Fuck Kouzmanoff

• Which one was Prometheus, and which one was Bob? I think the alien is Prometheus, but I'm not sure. [EDIT: I looked into it. They put the names in the intro. Prometheus is labeled under the alien, and Bob is labeled above the caveman. Or, alternatively, Prometheus is labeled to the left of the caveman, and Bob is labeled to the right of the alien. That didn't really clear it up.] [EDIT: If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.]
• Microsoft Word spellcheck recognizes "podcast," but not "audiobook." It also recognizes "spellchecker," but not "spellcheck." Blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize any of those. It doesn't even recognize "Blogger." It does recognize "Microsoft," though. Okay, I'm done.
• Headline of the week: "Georgia Man Wins Lottery Twice In One Week" If you won the lottery, why the hell would you keep playing the lottery?
• It's amazing how good I've gotten at pen-twirling during the past few months of medicine.
• If I unplug my alarm clock, I have to reset the time. If I unplug my laptop, shut off my cell phone, or take the batteries out of my pager, I don't have to reset the time. I don't know what new piece of technology these all share, nor do I know why alarm clocks have been unable to adopt this technology.
• Pet Peeve: When people add extra letters to a typed comment with intended to be read as long and drawn out. I can tolerate it when it makes phonetical sense (as in "Nooooooo!"). It bugs me when they do it to hard consonants (as in "I need a napppppp"). But it drives me FUCKING nuts when they do it to silent letters (as in "I want to go homeeeeeeee").
  

• It always makes me smile knowing that somewhere in my subconscience, amidst all the medical knowledge I've gained over the past three years, there still lurks an absolutely categorical knowledge of all 151 original Pokemon. I like to picture it there in my mind, hanging out with Ranson's criteria for acute pancreatitis and the differential diagnosis for bilateral lower extremity swelling, as if to say "Screw you guys, I was here first."


• There are two sources for confidence during morning rounds. One comes from knowing every little detail about your patients' histories, thoroughly understanding the pathogenesis and etiology of their diseases, and having recited the differential and treatment plan over and over in your head in preparation. The other comes from completely giving up in trying to impress the attending, knowing that their evaluation ultimately amounts to only 10% of your final grade. Guess which one I've learned to embrace?


• Oreos dunked in coffee. Try it. Your head will explode.


• I had a fortune cookie today that said "Remember three months from this date. Good things always happen on that day." Today was June 11th...


• I am never able to spell "restraraunt" right on the first try. Restraunt? Restraurant? Restaurant? Restaraunt?


• (Patient with severe hypotension in the ICU) "I don't know why you've got me locked up in this hospital. I'm an herbalist, and I know exactly what I need right now. I need some garlic and some saw palmetto. That stuff you're injecting into me is POISON! The drug companies paid the FDA $50 million so they could pass it through trials. It's all a damn conspiracy! You know why this is happening to me? I know. I know because I'm training to be an astrologer, and I saw it in the stars. I'm going to be a millionaire! I'm not just saying that, you know. I'm training with five other millionaires and they're teaching me how to be a millionaire astrologer. So don't think you can keep me locked in this prison forever."
  
  People have asked me why I want to go into Pathology. I don't think I can make it any clearer than that...
  
  
• There's currently a video poll on Yahoo!: "You decide! Is this goat waving?" I haven't watched the video, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the democracy the founding fathers had in mind.
  

Long Overdue

• From now on, for every goddamn news story I see about someone returning a library book 20 years overdue, I'm going to shoot an innocent civilian. JUST KEEP THE DAMN BOOK!
• Patient (a 90-year-old woman)"Because of my reflux, I can't sleep flat anymore. I have to prop myself up with pillows."
  Dr. F "That's bad for your back. What you need to do is pile bricks or cinder blocks under the head of your mattress, that way it's a more even slope."
  Patient [looking at me] "Doctor, is your nurse serious?"
• Another entry in the Meaningless Statements Found in Textbooks series: "Almost more than 90-95% of streptococcus is sensitive to these drugs." What?
• I never know what to say when a cashier says "Thank you." "You're welcome" doesn't seem appropriate.
• Another phrase I don't get: "They're as different as apples and oranges." Come on...they're both fruit! In the grand scheme of things, they're fairly similar. It should be something like "...as different as apples and gazebos."
• Did I pluralize gazebos correctly? Gazeboes? Neither one looks right.
  
• Any sentence beginning with "Avast" must be taken seriously.
• It's official: I'm sick of DevilDriver.

On a Serious Note

It's been a while since I wrote a serious post, so I decided to take a break from humor (I haven't updated in a month anyways). Today, as part of my Internal Medicine rotation, I shadowed a Palliative Care doctor for a day. Palliative Care is a division of medicine which deals with actively dying patients. The goal of PC is to find the balance between ending suffering and providing comfort, while still working towards prolonging life.

As part of the experience, I had to work through some online modules to teach me about the different aspects of PC. One of these modules dealt with "spiritual concerns," a common concern among dying patients. A section of the module had a list of Universal Spiritual Questions:

"When faced with a life-limiting illness, there are common questions/concerns of patients that transcend all religions, and cultures:

What is my purpose?
Does life have any meaning?
Why do people suffer?
Is suffering a punishment?
What is the meaning of death?
What happens after death?"

The last question made me pause. It used to keep me up at night. The thought of death didn't scare me half as much as that of an afterlife. I don't care how good an afterlife it is, I don't want eternity. But is nothingness a better alternative?

This is one of the comforts atheism has given me. That question no longer scares me. In fact, it doesn't even make logical sense to me anymore. What happens after death? That's like asking What color is honesty? Honesty doesn't have a color, and death doesn't have an after. Sure, time doesn't stop when I die. My friends and family go on living. But from my perspective, death is the end. The year 2200 will be the same to me as the year 1200. To quote Jim Jefferies, "I won't even know I'm dead. You wanna know why? 'Cause I'll be fucking dead!"

The sad thing about all this is how many people believe in an afterlife. I had a patient this morning, dying from metastatic prostate cancer, who is looking forward to reuniting with his father. I don't believe he will. The disappointment that he (won't) feel after he dies is utterly depressing to me. So depressing that I'm glad there won't be a moment of realization. But one thing I learned this morning is the importance of dying comfortably. And if that makes you comfortable, go ahead and believe it. Even if it is just a form of Pascal's Wager. Nothingness is much more comfortable for me.

"Although the time of death is approaching me, I am not afraid of dying and going to Hell or (what would be considerably worse) going to the popularized version of Heaven. I expect death to be nothingness and, for removing me from all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism." -Isaac Asimov

No God. Truth? Sham.

• I wonder how many crossbow deaths there were in Wisconsin last year?
• The most depressing thing I've seen this year in medicine: A 27-year-old grandmother.
  
• I wrote "radio beef" in my note pad. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. If I remember, I'll update.
  
• Best bumper sticker I've ever seen: "Your child may be an honor student, but mine has more chromosomes!"
• In a couple months, swine flu will go the way of El Nino and SARS.
• Me "Mrs. P, even after your gastric bypass, you're still gaining weight. You still need to cut back on the snacks, and you should be drinking at least 60 oz. of water every day."
  Mrs. P "60 ounces?! Really? If I drink that much, I won't even be hungry!"
  Me "...yeah, that's kinda how it works."
  
• I had a patient named Jorge this morning. The resident pronounced it "Whore-gay." Good try...
• Later that day, the same resident asked a female patient her name. She said "Yvonne." The resident wrote "Ivan." Seriously, this person is a doctor.
  

Math Hotdogs Run

• Dr. P "Brandon, why don't you present your patient quickly, we only have a few minutes left."
  Me "Okay, this patient is a-"
  Dr. P "We'll try not to interrupt you."
  Me "...this patient is a five-year-old male-"
  Dr. P "Unless we have questions."
  Me "...who presented with a three-day history of-"
  Dr. P "Got that? No one interrupt him."
• Drug names that would make good villains in a sci-fi movie: Lopressor, Tordol, Zofran
• I hit my forehead on the open window in our shower hard enough to draw blood, but not hard enough to realize I had drawn blood. I had about a 1-inch gash trickling blood down my forehead without realizing it. The weird thing was, no one told me about it until I was at the mall three hours later. I had even gone to the supermarket to buy a bottle of bourbon for my bar. I had an open wound and dried blood on my forehead, and all I'm buying is a bottle of liquor. No wonder the cashier was avoiding eye contact...
• Nick "How's that coffee cake?"
  Me "Great, it's like a muffin in loaf form."
  Nick "They should call it 'muffinloaf.'"
  Me "...good one."
• I don't think I've ever chosen to "Move Single Card" in FreeCell.
• Line in a medical textbook: "Usually, ependymomas tend to recur in some cases after surgical resection." That sentence has so many modifiers, it has become meaningless.
• Four. Fourteen. One-fourth. Forty. WTF?
• I don't know what species of fish is in a fishstick. Flounder? Goldfish? Seahorse? I hope it's seahorse.
• Today, a cashier told me to "Have a good night" as I was buying lunch at 11:30 am. That's at least five hours before acceptable.
• Snow? Snow? SNOW?! It's April 21st! That's it, Al Gore. Game over. I officially call bullshit.
  

Romeo Alpha November Delta Oscar Mike Tango Hotel Oscar Uniform Golf Hotel Tango Sierra

• It's been a while since I've laughed at Cyanide&Happiness. Disappointing...
• If you heat up something solid, it will melt into a liquid. Ice, glass, metal, plastic, almost everything. Except eggs. Heat up a liquid egg and it becomes solid. I think this is a phenomenon that is largely unrecognized by the world.
• This news story made my day/week/month/year.
• Do midgets have to ride in car seats? Seriously. The American Association of Pediatrics recommends that children should be riding in a car seat until they are 4'9'' tall. No age restrictions. So if someone never reaches that height, shouldn't they have to ride in a car seat?
• Sharon got onto my computer while this post was being edited and tried to insert the phrase "Brandon is a jerk face..." in this spot without me realizing it. Nice try, Sharon.
• Just for that, here's another "Crazy Sharon" moment:
  Sharon "What time do you have to get up?"
  Brandon "Quarter to seven."
  Sharon "Okay, my alarm is set for 6:46."
  Brandon "...why 6:46?"
  Sharon "Because it's a palindrome. What? Stop laughing at me!"
  
• I don't get this commercial. I know they're trying to say "Windows is so easy a three-year-old can use it," but come on... the kid's Asian. She probably wrote the damn computer program.
• I want to meet the advertising executive who first went to Vlassic and said "You know what would really help sell these pickles? A stork who impersonates Groucho Marx."
• Let it be known that I coined the phrase "guano crazy," the censored form of "bat-shit crazy." If you ever hear this, make sure people know I started it.
• If my last name were cooler, I'd totally name my son Remington.
• Poll: Who had the bigger rise and fall?
  "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Macarena?"
  Hanson or Smash Mouth?
  Pogs or Magic: The Gathering?
  

ndaoRm goThusht

• I don't get the phrase "may or may not," as in "I may or may not get drunk tonight." Doesn't the word "may" already imply the possibility of something not happening? Do we really need the "or may not?" Think about it.
• I love how when Sharon talks on the phone, she still nods when she agrees with the person on the other line. It cracks me up every time.
• I enter an exam room to meet a new patient, and I see three kids. The first kid (my patient) is a 4 year-old red head who clearly never got through the paste-eating stage. He is wearing sweatpants and a red striped shirt, and is currently sticking his head in the garbage can. Sitting next to him is his older sister (about 8 years old). She is wearing pink sweatpants, which are freshly stained with urine. She is reading a book out loud to herself, and is struggling through "See Spot Run." Next to her is her brother, about six years old. He is morbidly obese. He is at least 100 lbs. He is wearing sweatpants as well, and a T-shirt with the words "Git-R-Done" on it. I take this sight in all at once, and as I shut the door behind me, I get my first glimpse at the mom. I don't know exactly how to put this. She just looks like someone who should not be allowed to reproduce. It may be the fact that she's sitting in a lawn chair she brought from home with a twenty-four pack of Pepsi. You can't make this stuff up.
• Why does everyone assume Humpty Dumpty is egg-shaped? There's nothing in the nursery rhyme that indicates he's shaped like an egg. He could just be a regular guy who falls off a wall and loses a leg.
• Sharon reads a Harry Potter blog called "The Leaky Cauldron." This sounds like a sex term to me. In fact, we need to define the Leaky Cauldron and spread the term around. If it becomes popular enough, maybe the blog will shut down out of embarassment. Any suggestions?
• I don't know anyone named Curtis.
• Sharon and I were filling out a survey of our belongings for our insurance company, and in it we had to give an estimate of the value of our movie collection. We counted 97 DVDs and Blu-Rays, and given their average of $15 per disk, I discovered we have almost $1,500 worth of movies. I never realized our movie collection cost me an entire month's pay. That seems outrageous when I think about it.
• Conversation with my preceptor:
  Dr. M "I had a patient yesterday who was only nineteen years old and even taller than you, no pun intended."
  Me "...none taken?"
• I occasionally get heartburn, so I keep Maximum Strength Tums in my cabinet. The directions say to take two tablets. If I need to take two, how can they be maximum strength?
• We were watching Changeling tonight when a character used the phrase "It's raining cats, dogs, and Democrats out there." I don't know what it means, but I'm going to try to use it as often as possible.

Son of Random Thoughts

• I walked into a bathroom today, and there were signs on the sink and paper towel dispenser which said "Do Not Use Out Of Order." I thought to myself "Right. Sink first."
• Remember Gak? Wasn't that stuff awesome? Smud was cool too. But not Floam. Fuck Floam.
• Reading the nurse's notes for one of my patients: "Pt C/O HA ST tonsils pussy sore all over" Translation: "Patient complains of headache and sore throat. Tonsils are PURULENT, and she is sore all over."
• [rant]One of my patients today was a 16 year old girl whose mother got her medical degree at I Have An Internet Connection University. Apparently she put all her daughter's symptoms into Google and decided that she has Dengue fever. I'm sorry, has your daughter recently traveled to China? No? Then she doesn't have Dengue fever. No, I'm not going to argue with you. No, she doesn't have sodium deficiency. Because you can't get low blood sodium from dietary changes, your body compensates for it. Yes, I'm sure. I don't care what her symptoms are, her body works just like everyone elses. Maybe your daughter is tired all the time because she has an obsessive mom who stresses her out over every little thing. What? Fibromyalgia? Get out.
  
  I absolutely cannot work with patients for the rest of my life.
  
  [/rant]
  
• Guess what I saw today? Whooping cough! And here I thought vaccines would rid us of Bordatella pertussis. Too many stupid people, I guess.
• What bugs me about pediatricians is that they never dress like doctors (i.e. white coat and tie). The only way I can tell the difference between them and the patient's parents is the stethoscope. I also hate how they talk to everyone like they're nine years old. It's annoying when they're talking to med students like that, but it's even more ridiculous when they talk to 6-month-old infants like that. She can't understand you, shes a fucking baby. I'm feeling very cynical this month.
• I read a comment on Facebook where my friend used the word "seriously" three times in two sentences. Ironically, I no longer take her seriously.
• What was the name of the singer Max wants to meet in "A Goofy Movie"? Was it Powerglove? This is bugging me, but I don't want to look it up.
• I read a headline on Yahoo! about capturing a rare type of rhino on film in the wild. It said it's so rare, "less than 60 exist in the world." How the hell do they know that?
• If I were to make a TV show, it would be almost exactly like Wonder Showzen. And like Wonder Showzen, public outcry would force it to be canceled after two seasons. By the way, if you've never heard of Wonder Showzen, you can watch the entire series online. You're welcome.
• Quick quiz: Without Googling, which city do you think has a larger population, Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? I always thought they were about the same size, but apparently one has 1.4 million people (the 6th largest city) and one has about 300,000 people (smaller than Sacramento and Witchita).
• I consider myself an avid baseball fan, yet I have absolutely no idea who won the World Series last year.
  

More Random Thoughts...

• I hope that in my medical career I never again hear the words "fungating mass" and "anus" used in the same sentence, especially if that sentence begins with "Brandon, go do a digital rectal exam on..."
• I should use the word "apropos" more.
• Sharon and I were watching a documentary on this woman who was traveling to America for an amputation, and I just KNEW there were several puns waiting to be made, but I was struggling. I started off with "She's got bigger calves than a young Paul Bunyan," but it didn't do it for me. Too obscure. After a while, I found it: "After her amputation, she'll let out two big thighs of relief."
  
• I bought these sunglasses almost a year ago, but it still feels like I just bought them.
• I like to talk to people on elevators, and then say "Well, have a good day" when we get near their floor. I try to do it early enough that there are a few awkward seconds between the end of the conversation and when the doors open. Sometimes they'll take a step toward the doors, but they don't open right away, and I laugh a little inside. Things like this get me through the day.
• Along those same lines, I like to hold doors open for strangers in the hospital, but I do it when they're still pretty far down the hallway. My record for this is about forty feet. I love it when they do a little fake jog to get to the door.
• I have never understood the expression "clean as a whistle." Are whistles known for being clean? Don't they get filled with spit?
  
• During rounds one morning, one of the students drops a JP drain on the floor. The resident asks "Did you just drop that bloody, contaminated drain on the floor?" The student replies "The word 'drop' can mean so many things." I could only think of two.
• I used duct tape to fix a duct today. It was fulfilling.
• Unless you're moving a cart, a stroller, or a wheelchair, I don't think you should be allowed to take an elevator up or down a single floor. In fact, someone should rig the elevator to injure anyone who tries. Not a day goes by I don't see someone who weighs 300 lbs take an elevator from the second floor of the hospital to the cafeteria on the first floor. But I'm sure it's a gland problem.
• I need to write a joke that ends with "I've never seen a beaver dam, but I have seen two squirrels fuck."
• That last joke sounded funny in my head this morning. Now I'm disappointed with it. I apologize.
• Today I was reading about midgut volvulous, a condition where a piece of intestine gets twisted around itself and strangles its own blood supply, causing it to die. The problem was I had misread it as "midget volvulous," so I couldn't stop laughing.
• Boomerangs are highly glorified by cartoons. They don't really work like that.
• Apparently, it's snowing. I should look outside more often.

It's A Scary Place

This past month, I started carrying a small notepad with me. I started doing it because I've been extremely busy, and as a result I forget lots of stuff, so I need to keep a running "to do" list. This is especially important in the hospital, because I'll forget to post-op a patient or check vital signs if I don't write it down. But lately, I've started carrying it with me when I'm not in the hospital. I've heard a lot of comedians and authors carry around notepads so they can write down ideas for jokes or stories. So I've started writing down things that happen during the day that amuse me. Sometimes it's weird things I see, sometimes it's stupid things people say. Most of the time, however, it's just strange thoughts that pop into my head. This post is about a week's worth of notes I've jotted down. So this, ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in my head.

• I went in to get an H&P (history and physical) from a patient named Joel. He says "Call me Joe." This bugs me.
• At clinic one day, I notice someone has cut out a Hagar the Horrible comic strip and taped it to their workstation. Really? Hagar the Horrible? I didn't know anyone took that comic seriously.
• It's January 29th, and I drive by a house with a light-up Santa Claus and three reindeer on their roof. This should be illegal after about January 7th.
• I meet one of my preceptor's partners who introduces himself as Dr. Abel Nortz. I introduce myself and ask him if he's ever noticed that the letters of his name are in alphabetical order. No, he's never noticed. It scares me that I did.
• I think the gayest thing about me is how much I enjoy taking a huge crap.
• We're doing morning rounds. The residents are discussing DVT prophylaxis for a patient who is one day status post femoral-anterior tibial graft placement. In my mind, I'm thinking "I wonder if a turkey could beat a goose in a footrace?"
• I saw a sign at Cost Plus advertising "Occasional Tables." I know now what they meant, but at the time I thought "What's an occasional table? Sometimes it's a bed, sometimes it's a chair, but occasionally it's a table?"
• I'll bet my shoes were made in a sweatshop.
• I saw a guy at Target wearing a shirt that said "Yes, those jeans make you look fat." I'm not sure what message he's trying to send. I hope that message is "It's laundry day, and this was a gift from a friend who doesn't know me that well."
• I can't watch porn anymore. "What do those girls need a babysitter for? They're like 26 years old..."
  
• My clinical adviser emailed me and told me to meet him "right at 10ish." I don't know how to be punctually approximate.
• The operation I did today involved debriding a gangrenous rectal infection. Everyone was complaining about how bad it smelled. I didn't mind, because it meant I could fart without anyone knowing.
• The chaplains in the hospital have a bowl set up at each Nursing Station with inspitational (and usually religious) quotes. My favorite is "God gave you two hands. One with which to help yourself, and another with which to help others." IN BED!
• Trail mix is extremely underrated.
  
• The other students are talking about biofuels. One of them says "It's just such a corn-y idea." Another student giggles. "Is that the best you can do?," I say. "You think you can do better?," he says. I reply, off the top of my head, "These companies are promising a-maize-ing results, and there may be a kernel of truth to their claims, but I wouldn't put to much stalk into their promises. But shucks, if they can start showing results, I'll be all ears. You're out of your league, junior."
• I'm pretty good at juggling. I can name the states in alphabetical order. I've beaten Zelda: Ocarina of Time over 20 times (including once in a single day). And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons and South Park. I guess the overriding theme here is that I didn't date much in high school.
• The name "Todd" seems like it should be short for something, but I don't think it is.
• While watching TV, Sharon turns to me and says, out of nowhere, "I've been greatly misled about Watership Down. I thought all the bunnies lived on a boat. I want my bunnies to have sailor pants and little hats." I love my wife.

More to come...

One eighty-hour week + One sixty-five-hour week + 6 weeks left on Surgery = No updates for a while

Sorry...

Oompa Loomprechaun

I recently spent four days in Las Vegas with two of my high school friends, Ben and Bob. Day 1 was a typical night on Fremont Street, nothing too exciting. Day 2 is an interesting story, but permission must be gained from appropriate parties to talk about that night. Day 4 was recovery and damage control. Day 3 was New Year's Eve. The events of that night are presented here...

The story of Day 3 really begins on Day 2. For dinner, we decide to try an Irish pub in the Rio called McFadden's. At this point, we're planning on heading to Fremont Street for New Year's Eve. It's a $20 cover charge, but they have a bunch of tribute bands playing, and let's face it, it's Fremont Street. As we walk into McFadden's, though, I see they're having a New Year's Eve party. $75 gets you unlimited top-shelf drinks for four hours as well as a dinner buffet.

Now, for those of you who don't know Ben and Bob, rest assured that we can get our money's worth at an open bar. Ben is my height and much "fluffier" than me. Bob is at least two inches taller and even "fluffier" than Ben. They can hold their liquor. $75 for unlimited top-shelf drinks in Vegas may well put this bar out of business. At the least, we know it will be a good time. Our waitress convinces us to pre-order our tickets. Looking around the table, we start talking about how epic this New Years will be:

Ben "I'll bet I end up sitting in the back of a cop car saying the words 'But ossifer...'"
Bob "I'm probably going to vomit all over the bar and get escorted out."
Brillo "I want to do something crazy, like body shots off a drunk midget."

The prophecy hath been fortold. Two of those predictions came true. Any guesses which ones? Let's move on...

The following morning at 1 pm, each of us nursing a raging hangover and my throat sore from vomiting (Day 2 was epic as well), we decided to walk over to the Gold Coast for lunch. As we're walking out the door, we pass by a midget.

Bob "Hey Brillo, go ask him if you can do a body shot off him."
Ben "Maintain, guys, maintain..."

I notice that the midget is carrying some dry-cleaning. He has his arm stretched over his head, but it's still dragging on the floor. I catch a glimpse of it and see what looks like a green suit. Could it be a leprechaun costume? I try not to get my hopes up...

We eat lunch at a Chinese restaurant at the Gold Coast. We spend most of the meal trying to understand our waiters. Ben decides to do the Dim Sum special. Due to a lapse in communication with our waitress, he ends up getting only one piece of beef and a plate of rice. I order a bowl of hot and sour soup, but our waiter thinks I'm ordering for the table, so he brings me a giant bowl. I look down and see that it looks eerily similar to the vomit-filled toilet(s) from the previous night. But then all hot and sour soup looks like that. It actually turned out to be very good.

The way we're sitting, me and Ben can see into the casino, but Bob has his back to it. The soup was extremely spicy, to the point that my vision is blurry. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I look out into the casino, and I swear for a split second I see a midget dressed like a leprechaun.

Brillo (pointing) "BEN! BEN! IS THAT..."
Ben "Oh my God... it's a midget dressed like a leprechaun!"
Bob "You guys are full of shit."

Not even halfway done with our meal, we throw money on the table and run out trying to catch him. Alas, he's gone. Probably rode away on a rainbow and disappeared.

Brillo "I swear to Christ it was a midget dressed like a leprechaun. Dude, maybe he'll be at McFadden's tonight!"
Bob "Even if there was a midget, and I still think you guys are fucking with me, why would he be advertising for McFadden's at the Gold Coast? The two casinos aren't even owned by the same company."

Fucking Bob, smashing my dreams. He's probably right though. Still, I maintain a glimmer of hope. Maybe... just maybe...

We head back to the Rio and take a nap (when you travel with two big fat guys, you take a lot of naps). When we wake up, despite still being hungover at 7 pm, we start to pre-party in the hotel room. We had started the trip with a handel of Kettle One, a fifth of Jameson, and a 350 of Beefeater. We each have two or three full glasses of vodka on the rocks. At 8:30, a guy is going to try to do a back flip in a truck, and from our room on the 12th floor, we have a good view of the landing site. We're watching the ESPN broadcast of the truck flip with the Rio lit up in the background. Bob is calling all his friends and telling them to look on the 12th floor for him pressing his balls up against the window. This, my friends, is sober Bob.

At 9:00 we head down to the bar. We walk in and load up on hats, noisemakers, and beads. I'm a sucker for free crap. There are two rooms. The main room has a bar, a dance floor, and a buffet. The second room off to the side has a long bar with a bunch of hookers camped out at the end of it. We make a beeline to the bar and order drinks.

Brillo "Can I get a Bombay martini?"
Bartender "Sorry, no martinis."
Brillo "Okay...Grey Goose on the rocks."
Bartender "No shots, no martinis, no on the rocks."

I knew there'd be a catch to this "unlimited bar." The bartender explains that it's illegal in the state of Nevada to give away shots for free. Bullshit, this law will be broken more than once during the night. So I order a Goose and club. Then another. Then another. And I'm still three behind Ben and Bob.

We spend most of the next hour jumping into the background of people trying to take pictures. Yes, we are That Guy. One of the perks of drinking with two fat guys is that no one tries to pick a fight with you. With one swipe of his mighty paw, Bob can hospitalize anyone in the bar. The world is our playground.

At one point, Ben goes out to use the restroom, while Bob heads out into the casino to buy a corn dog (no buffet can contain him). I head to the bar to get another drink when I see him. Standing two feet away from me is a midget...dressed like a leprechaun. Not only is he in a leprechaun costume, but his face is painted orange and he's wearing a green wig. He is an Oompa Loomprechaun! He has a sign stapled to his hat that says "$3 For a Picture. Do Not Toss." This is excellent news...it means he can be bought and he has a sense of humor. I text Ben and Bob in capital letters telling them to get their asses back to the bar. Ben gets my text and comes sprinting across the casino. Bob doesn't get my text, but when he comes back he sees the midget on his way in.

Bob "Brillo! Did you see-"
Brillo "I saw!!! I saw!!!"

Bob walks up to the midget and plays the wingman. Bob used to sell barbeques for a living before moving to the warehouse, so he's an excellent negotiator. We give the midget $40 (money has no meaning when midgets are involved) and he agrees. I run to the bar and order a shot of tequila.

Bartender "No can do. No free shots."
Brillo "But you don't understand! I'M DOING BODY SHOTS OFF THE OOMPA LOOMPRECHAUN!"
The bartender has a disgusted look on his face.
Brillo "Don't you judge me. Just make it happen!"

The midget talks to the bartender, gives him $20, and convinces him to let me do the shot. Everyone in the bar is looking at me. Half them are cheering me on, while the other half just stares in disgust. Fuck that half. I do the shot, pose for pictures, and high five a few random people

The rest of the night was pretty typical of going to a bar with Ben and Bob. I'm telling everyone I meet that I did a body shot of the Oompa Loomprechaun, who has been dancing a merry jig on the bar throughout the night. Other highlights:

-The second room with the bar has windows that look out into the casino. We sneak up behind people who are leaning on the window and knock on the glass. This pisses off more than a few douchebags, but when they see Bob, they walk away.

-We reach the "drunk dancing" portion of the night, but they're playing shitty '80s music. So we just start singing the chorus to Europe's The Final Countdown instead. We start to mosh, but a bouncer tells us not to.

-In the front room, Bob and I are standing in front of the bar facing away from it. The Oompa Loomprechaun, who is trashed (and kind of a lightweight), jumps up onto the bar, runs over to us, and kisses each of us on the cheek. I now have orange face paint on me.

-At one point, I come back from the bathroom and see seven straws in Ben's drink and a pile of straws in front of Bob. Ben is doubled over in laughter while Bob yells at the bartender:

Bob "Fuck you, I want more straws."
Bartender "You already took all the straws we have."
Bob "I want more!"

Bob grabs all the straws in front of him and throws them at the bartender. Out of nowhere, a bouncer even bigger than Bob shows up from behind him and threatens to cut him off. Luckily, the bartender is struggling to breathe because he's laughing so hard, and he waves the bouncer away. Laughter is our greatest ally.

At midnight, we do our champagne toast, then go to the side bar and ask to do shots. He refuses.

Bartender "It's illegal, I can't give out shots for free."
Brillo "That's bullshit, I just did a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun."
Bartender (blank stare) "That's kinda gay..."
Brillo "Have you ever done a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun?"
Bartender "I don't wa-"
Brillo "Yes or no! Have you ever done a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun?!"
Bartender "No, bu-"
Brillo "Then I call the shots! Pour 'em!"

Bob starts throwing $1 bills at him. I reach into my pocket, but I'm out of $1's, so I take out a $5 bill. While Bob is distracting him, I back-palm the bill. I get the bartender's attention and make the bill appear out of thin air. The bartender is amazed.

Bartender (after a three-second pause) "Alright! You guys are doing shots! What do you want?"

Now, I'm literally a card-carrying member of the Jack Daniel's fan club. I can do shots of JD in my sleep. And I just won over the bartender, so it's my call. Jack it is. He pours four shots (and I use the word "shot" loosely; my cup was at least half-full) and sets them in front of us.

Bob "No man, not whiskey. If I do this shot, I'm going to throw up."
Brillo "Bullshit, you got this. Pound it!"

We do the shot, and the bartender immediately pours himself a Coke chaser (pussy). While he's drinking that, I look over at Bob, who has his forehead resting on the bar. I look under him and see the floor covered in vomit. Shāh Māt, the king is dead. The best part is, he did it totally covertly. No one else notices; not the bartender, not Ben, not the bouncer who has been standing behind us since the straw-throwing incident. Bob is a 6'7" motherfucking ninja.

Brillo "Come on Bob, we gotta go."
Bob "But we still have a half-hour left of open bar!"
Brillo "You're throwing up, we have to get up to our room."

Ben asks why we're running out, so I tell him to look under the bar and smooth things over with the bartender. I lead Bob through the hordes of people in the casino to the elevator, pausing along the way to inform everyone that I did a body-shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun.

We take the elevators up to the 12th floor. From where the elevators are, there are three long hallways with rooms, and we're all the way at the end of one of them. We get about halfway down the hall when Bob says he wants to get a soda from the vending machines, which are down a different hall. Despite my pleading, he runs off to get a soda. Ben comes off one of the elevators.

Brillo "What happened at the bar?"
Ben "The bartender said it was fine and sent someone to clean it up."
Brillo "Good thing he's on our side."
Ben "Where's Bob?"

Where is Bob? We look over, and he's about halfway down the wrong hallway. He is no longer wearing his shirt. We get his attention, and instead of turning around and casually walking down the hall, he starts running towards us.

I'm going to pause and explain something about Bob. Sober, Bob is a jolly fat guy who would never hurt a fly. When he reaches a certain level of drunk, he turns into Bob Smash. Whatever gets in Bob's way, BOB SMASH! He doesn't get beligerent or violent, he just barrels over anything in his way. Tonight, there are people in his way. Strangers, who just got off the elevators. They look over and see a 400 pound half-naked guy running down the hall.

Ben "He's not going to stop! MOVE! MOVE! PLAY DEAD!"
Bob "ROAR!"
Brillo "I DID A BODY SHOT OFF A MIDGET!"

Luckily, no one is injured. We make it back to the room, and Bob decides he wants an omelete from room service. I start calling random people, not realizing it's1 am. Room service shows up, and a big black woman delivers Bob's omelete. Bob is naked. Ben is in his underwear. I mutter something about Aunt Jemimah (drunk Brillo has no filter). She now thinks we're homosexual racists.

For the third night in a row, I pass out facing the wrong way on my fold-out bed, fully clothed, with my contacts in and my slippers on.

My hangover lasts until 3 pm Friday.

In retrospect, I've thought about it, and I've decided to retire from drinking. I'll have my one drink a day with dinner, but I don't plan on getting drunk again for a long time. I'm going out on top. I can't imagine topping the Oompa Loomprechaun story. And I'm not sure I want to.