Long Overdue

• From now on, for every goddamn news story I see about someone returning a library book 20 years overdue, I'm going to shoot an innocent civilian. JUST KEEP THE DAMN BOOK!
• Patient (a 90-year-old woman)"Because of my reflux, I can't sleep flat anymore. I have to prop myself up with pillows."
  Dr. F "That's bad for your back. What you need to do is pile bricks or cinder blocks under the head of your mattress, that way it's a more even slope."
  Patient [looking at me] "Doctor, is your nurse serious?"
• Another entry in the Meaningless Statements Found in Textbooks series: "Almost more than 90-95% of streptococcus is sensitive to these drugs." What?
• I never know what to say when a cashier says "Thank you." "You're welcome" doesn't seem appropriate.
• Another phrase I don't get: "They're as different as apples and oranges." Come on...they're both fruit! In the grand scheme of things, they're fairly similar. It should be something like "...as different as apples and gazebos."
• Did I pluralize gazebos correctly? Gazeboes? Neither one looks right.
  
• Any sentence beginning with "Avast" must be taken seriously.
• It's official: I'm sick of DevilDriver.