Son of Random Thoughts

• I walked into a bathroom today, and there were signs on the sink and paper towel dispenser which said "Do Not Use Out Of Order." I thought to myself "Right. Sink first."
• Remember Gak? Wasn't that stuff awesome? Smud was cool too. But not Floam. Fuck Floam.
• Reading the nurse's notes for one of my patients: "Pt C/O HA ST tonsils pussy sore all over" Translation: "Patient complains of headache and sore throat. Tonsils are PURULENT, and she is sore all over."
• [rant]One of my patients today was a 16 year old girl whose mother got her medical degree at I Have An Internet Connection University. Apparently she put all her daughter's symptoms into Google and decided that she has Dengue fever. I'm sorry, has your daughter recently traveled to China? No? Then she doesn't have Dengue fever. No, I'm not going to argue with you. No, she doesn't have sodium deficiency. Because you can't get low blood sodium from dietary changes, your body compensates for it. Yes, I'm sure. I don't care what her symptoms are, her body works just like everyone elses. Maybe your daughter is tired all the time because she has an obsessive mom who stresses her out over every little thing. What? Fibromyalgia? Get out.
  
  I absolutely cannot work with patients for the rest of my life.
  
  [/rant]
  
• Guess what I saw today? Whooping cough! And here I thought vaccines would rid us of Bordatella pertussis. Too many stupid people, I guess.
• What bugs me about pediatricians is that they never dress like doctors (i.e. white coat and tie). The only way I can tell the difference between them and the patient's parents is the stethoscope. I also hate how they talk to everyone like they're nine years old. It's annoying when they're talking to med students like that, but it's even more ridiculous when they talk to 6-month-old infants like that. She can't understand you, shes a fucking baby. I'm feeling very cynical this month.
• I read a comment on Facebook where my friend used the word "seriously" three times in two sentences. Ironically, I no longer take her seriously.
• What was the name of the singer Max wants to meet in "A Goofy Movie"? Was it Powerglove? This is bugging me, but I don't want to look it up.
• I read a headline on Yahoo! about capturing a rare type of rhino on film in the wild. It said it's so rare, "less than 60 exist in the world." How the hell do they know that?
• If I were to make a TV show, it would be almost exactly like Wonder Showzen. And like Wonder Showzen, public outcry would force it to be canceled after two seasons. By the way, if you've never heard of Wonder Showzen, you can watch the entire series online. You're welcome.
• Quick quiz: Without Googling, which city do you think has a larger population, Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? I always thought they were about the same size, but apparently one has 1.4 million people (the 6th largest city) and one has about 300,000 people (smaller than Sacramento and Witchita).
• I consider myself an avid baseball fan, yet I have absolutely no idea who won the World Series last year.
  

More Random Thoughts...

• I hope that in my medical career I never again hear the words "fungating mass" and "anus" used in the same sentence, especially if that sentence begins with "Brandon, go do a digital rectal exam on..."
• I should use the word "apropos" more.
• Sharon and I were watching a documentary on this woman who was traveling to America for an amputation, and I just KNEW there were several puns waiting to be made, but I was struggling. I started off with "She's got bigger calves than a young Paul Bunyan," but it didn't do it for me. Too obscure. After a while, I found it: "After her amputation, she'll let out two big thighs of relief."
  
• I bought these sunglasses almost a year ago, but it still feels like I just bought them.
• I like to talk to people on elevators, and then say "Well, have a good day" when we get near their floor. I try to do it early enough that there are a few awkward seconds between the end of the conversation and when the doors open. Sometimes they'll take a step toward the doors, but they don't open right away, and I laugh a little inside. Things like this get me through the day.
• Along those same lines, I like to hold doors open for strangers in the hospital, but I do it when they're still pretty far down the hallway. My record for this is about forty feet. I love it when they do a little fake jog to get to the door.
• I have never understood the expression "clean as a whistle." Are whistles known for being clean? Don't they get filled with spit?
  
• During rounds one morning, one of the students drops a JP drain on the floor. The resident asks "Did you just drop that bloody, contaminated drain on the floor?" The student replies "The word 'drop' can mean so many things." I could only think of two.
• I used duct tape to fix a duct today. It was fulfilling.
• Unless you're moving a cart, a stroller, or a wheelchair, I don't think you should be allowed to take an elevator up or down a single floor. In fact, someone should rig the elevator to injure anyone who tries. Not a day goes by I don't see someone who weighs 300 lbs take an elevator from the second floor of the hospital to the cafeteria on the first floor. But I'm sure it's a gland problem.
• I need to write a joke that ends with "I've never seen a beaver dam, but I have seen two squirrels fuck."
• That last joke sounded funny in my head this morning. Now I'm disappointed with it. I apologize.
• Today I was reading about midgut volvulous, a condition where a piece of intestine gets twisted around itself and strangles its own blood supply, causing it to die. The problem was I had misread it as "midget volvulous," so I couldn't stop laughing.
• Boomerangs are highly glorified by cartoons. They don't really work like that.
• Apparently, it's snowing. I should look outside more often.