Fuck Kouzmanoff

• Which one was Prometheus, and which one was Bob? I think the alien is Prometheus, but I'm not sure. [EDIT: I looked into it. They put the names in the intro. Prometheus is labeled under the alien, and Bob is labeled above the caveman. Or, alternatively, Prometheus is labeled to the left of the caveman, and Bob is labeled to the right of the alien. That didn't really clear it up.] [EDIT: If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.]
• Microsoft Word spellcheck recognizes "podcast," but not "audiobook." It also recognizes "spellchecker," but not "spellcheck." Blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize any of those. It doesn't even recognize "Blogger." It does recognize "Microsoft," though. Okay, I'm done.
• Headline of the week: "Georgia Man Wins Lottery Twice In One Week" If you won the lottery, why the hell would you keep playing the lottery?
• It's amazing how good I've gotten at pen-twirling during the past few months of medicine.
• If I unplug my alarm clock, I have to reset the time. If I unplug my laptop, shut off my cell phone, or take the batteries out of my pager, I don't have to reset the time. I don't know what new piece of technology these all share, nor do I know why alarm clocks have been unable to adopt this technology.
• Pet Peeve: When people add extra letters to a typed comment with intended to be read as long and drawn out. I can tolerate it when it makes phonetical sense (as in "Nooooooo!"). It bugs me when they do it to hard consonants (as in "I need a napppppp"). But it drives me FUCKING nuts when they do it to silent letters (as in "I want to go homeeeeeeee").
  

• It always makes me smile knowing that somewhere in my subconscience, amidst all the medical knowledge I've gained over the past three years, there still lurks an absolutely categorical knowledge of all 151 original Pokemon. I like to picture it there in my mind, hanging out with Ranson's criteria for acute pancreatitis and the differential diagnosis for bilateral lower extremity swelling, as if to say "Screw you guys, I was here first."


• There are two sources for confidence during morning rounds. One comes from knowing every little detail about your patients' histories, thoroughly understanding the pathogenesis and etiology of their diseases, and having recited the differential and treatment plan over and over in your head in preparation. The other comes from completely giving up in trying to impress the attending, knowing that their evaluation ultimately amounts to only 10% of your final grade. Guess which one I've learned to embrace?


• Oreos dunked in coffee. Try it. Your head will explode.


• I had a fortune cookie today that said "Remember three months from this date. Good things always happen on that day." Today was June 11th...


• I am never able to spell "restraraunt" right on the first try. Restraunt? Restraurant? Restaurant? Restaraunt?


• (Patient with severe hypotension in the ICU) "I don't know why you've got me locked up in this hospital. I'm an herbalist, and I know exactly what I need right now. I need some garlic and some saw palmetto. That stuff you're injecting into me is POISON! The drug companies paid the FDA $50 million so they could pass it through trials. It's all a damn conspiracy! You know why this is happening to me? I know. I know because I'm training to be an astrologer, and I saw it in the stars. I'm going to be a millionaire! I'm not just saying that, you know. I'm training with five other millionaires and they're teaching me how to be a millionaire astrologer. So don't think you can keep me locked in this prison forever."
  
  People have asked me why I want to go into Pathology. I don't think I can make it any clearer than that...
  
  
• There's currently a video poll on Yahoo!: "You decide! Is this goat waving?" I haven't watched the video, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the democracy the founding fathers had in mind.
  

Long Overdue

• From now on, for every goddamn news story I see about someone returning a library book 20 years overdue, I'm going to shoot an innocent civilian. JUST KEEP THE DAMN BOOK!
• Patient (a 90-year-old woman)"Because of my reflux, I can't sleep flat anymore. I have to prop myself up with pillows."
  Dr. F "That's bad for your back. What you need to do is pile bricks or cinder blocks under the head of your mattress, that way it's a more even slope."
  Patient [looking at me] "Doctor, is your nurse serious?"
• Another entry in the Meaningless Statements Found in Textbooks series: "Almost more than 90-95% of streptococcus is sensitive to these drugs." What?
• I never know what to say when a cashier says "Thank you." "You're welcome" doesn't seem appropriate.
• Another phrase I don't get: "They're as different as apples and oranges." Come on...they're both fruit! In the grand scheme of things, they're fairly similar. It should be something like "...as different as apples and gazebos."
• Did I pluralize gazebos correctly? Gazeboes? Neither one looks right.
  
• Any sentence beginning with "Avast" must be taken seriously.
• It's official: I'm sick of DevilDriver.