It's A Scary Place

This past month, I started carrying a small notepad with me. I started doing it because I've been extremely busy, and as a result I forget lots of stuff, so I need to keep a running "to do" list. This is especially important in the hospital, because I'll forget to post-op a patient or check vital signs if I don't write it down. But lately, I've started carrying it with me when I'm not in the hospital. I've heard a lot of comedians and authors carry around notepads so they can write down ideas for jokes or stories. So I've started writing down things that happen during the day that amuse me. Sometimes it's weird things I see, sometimes it's stupid things people say. Most of the time, however, it's just strange thoughts that pop into my head. This post is about a week's worth of notes I've jotted down. So this, ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in my head.

• I went in to get an H&P (history and physical) from a patient named Joel. He says "Call me Joe." This bugs me.
• At clinic one day, I notice someone has cut out a Hagar the Horrible comic strip and taped it to their workstation. Really? Hagar the Horrible? I didn't know anyone took that comic seriously.
• It's January 29th, and I drive by a house with a light-up Santa Claus and three reindeer on their roof. This should be illegal after about January 7th.
• I meet one of my preceptor's partners who introduces himself as Dr. Abel Nortz. I introduce myself and ask him if he's ever noticed that the letters of his name are in alphabetical order. No, he's never noticed. It scares me that I did.
• I think the gayest thing about me is how much I enjoy taking a huge crap.
• We're doing morning rounds. The residents are discussing DVT prophylaxis for a patient who is one day status post femoral-anterior tibial graft placement. In my mind, I'm thinking "I wonder if a turkey could beat a goose in a footrace?"
• I saw a sign at Cost Plus advertising "Occasional Tables." I know now what they meant, but at the time I thought "What's an occasional table? Sometimes it's a bed, sometimes it's a chair, but occasionally it's a table?"
• I'll bet my shoes were made in a sweatshop.
• I saw a guy at Target wearing a shirt that said "Yes, those jeans make you look fat." I'm not sure what message he's trying to send. I hope that message is "It's laundry day, and this was a gift from a friend who doesn't know me that well."
• I can't watch porn anymore. "What do those girls need a babysitter for? They're like 26 years old..."
  
• My clinical adviser emailed me and told me to meet him "right at 10ish." I don't know how to be punctually approximate.
• The operation I did today involved debriding a gangrenous rectal infection. Everyone was complaining about how bad it smelled. I didn't mind, because it meant I could fart without anyone knowing.
• The chaplains in the hospital have a bowl set up at each Nursing Station with inspitational (and usually religious) quotes. My favorite is "God gave you two hands. One with which to help yourself, and another with which to help others." IN BED!
• Trail mix is extremely underrated.
  
• The other students are talking about biofuels. One of them says "It's just such a corn-y idea." Another student giggles. "Is that the best you can do?," I say. "You think you can do better?," he says. I reply, off the top of my head, "These companies are promising a-maize-ing results, and there may be a kernel of truth to their claims, but I wouldn't put to much stalk into their promises. But shucks, if they can start showing results, I'll be all ears. You're out of your league, junior."
• I'm pretty good at juggling. I can name the states in alphabetical order. I've beaten Zelda: Ocarina of Time over 20 times (including once in a single day). And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons and South Park. I guess the overriding theme here is that I didn't date much in high school.
• The name "Todd" seems like it should be short for something, but I don't think it is.
• While watching TV, Sharon turns to me and says, out of nowhere, "I've been greatly misled about Watership Down. I thought all the bunnies lived on a boat. I want my bunnies to have sailor pants and little hats." I love my wife.

More to come...