Math Hotdogs Run

• Dr. P "Brandon, why don't you present your patient quickly, we only have a few minutes left."
  Me "Okay, this patient is a-"
  Dr. P "We'll try not to interrupt you."
  Me "...this patient is a five-year-old male-"
  Dr. P "Unless we have questions."
  Me "...who presented with a three-day history of-"
  Dr. P "Got that? No one interrupt him."
• Drug names that would make good villains in a sci-fi movie: Lopressor, Tordol, Zofran
• I hit my forehead on the open window in our shower hard enough to draw blood, but not hard enough to realize I had drawn blood. I had about a 1-inch gash trickling blood down my forehead without realizing it. The weird thing was, no one told me about it until I was at the mall three hours later. I had even gone to the supermarket to buy a bottle of bourbon for my bar. I had an open wound and dried blood on my forehead, and all I'm buying is a bottle of liquor. No wonder the cashier was avoiding eye contact...
• Nick "How's that coffee cake?"
  Me "Great, it's like a muffin in loaf form."
  Nick "They should call it 'muffinloaf.'"
  Me "...good one."
• I don't think I've ever chosen to "Move Single Card" in FreeCell.
• Line in a medical textbook: "Usually, ependymomas tend to recur in some cases after surgical resection." That sentence has so many modifiers, it has become meaningless.
• Four. Fourteen. One-fourth. Forty. WTF?
• I don't know what species of fish is in a fishstick. Flounder? Goldfish? Seahorse? I hope it's seahorse.
• Today, a cashier told me to "Have a good night" as I was buying lunch at 11:30 am. That's at least five hours before acceptable.
• Snow? Snow? SNOW?! It's April 21st! That's it, Al Gore. Game over. I officially call bullshit.
  

Romeo Alpha November Delta Oscar Mike Tango Hotel Oscar Uniform Golf Hotel Tango Sierra

• It's been a while since I've laughed at Cyanide&Happiness. Disappointing...
• If you heat up something solid, it will melt into a liquid. Ice, glass, metal, plastic, almost everything. Except eggs. Heat up a liquid egg and it becomes solid. I think this is a phenomenon that is largely unrecognized by the world.
• This news story made my day/week/month/year.
• Do midgets have to ride in car seats? Seriously. The American Association of Pediatrics recommends that children should be riding in a car seat until they are 4'9'' tall. No age restrictions. So if someone never reaches that height, shouldn't they have to ride in a car seat?
• Sharon got onto my computer while this post was being edited and tried to insert the phrase "Brandon is a jerk face..." in this spot without me realizing it. Nice try, Sharon.
• Just for that, here's another "Crazy Sharon" moment:
  Sharon "What time do you have to get up?"
  Brandon "Quarter to seven."
  Sharon "Okay, my alarm is set for 6:46."
  Brandon "...why 6:46?"
  Sharon "Because it's a palindrome. What? Stop laughing at me!"
  
• I don't get this commercial. I know they're trying to say "Windows is so easy a three-year-old can use it," but come on... the kid's Asian. She probably wrote the damn computer program.
• I want to meet the advertising executive who first went to Vlassic and said "You know what would really help sell these pickles? A stork who impersonates Groucho Marx."
• Let it be known that I coined the phrase "guano crazy," the censored form of "bat-shit crazy." If you ever hear this, make sure people know I started it.
• If my last name were cooler, I'd totally name my son Remington.
• Poll: Who had the bigger rise and fall?
  "Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Macarena?"
  Hanson or Smash Mouth?
  Pogs or Magic: The Gathering?
  

ndaoRm goThusht

• I don't get the phrase "may or may not," as in "I may or may not get drunk tonight." Doesn't the word "may" already imply the possibility of something not happening? Do we really need the "or may not?" Think about it.
• I love how when Sharon talks on the phone, she still nods when she agrees with the person on the other line. It cracks me up every time.
• I enter an exam room to meet a new patient, and I see three kids. The first kid (my patient) is a 4 year-old red head who clearly never got through the paste-eating stage. He is wearing sweatpants and a red striped shirt, and is currently sticking his head in the garbage can. Sitting next to him is his older sister (about 8 years old). She is wearing pink sweatpants, which are freshly stained with urine. She is reading a book out loud to herself, and is struggling through "See Spot Run." Next to her is her brother, about six years old. He is morbidly obese. He is at least 100 lbs. He is wearing sweatpants as well, and a T-shirt with the words "Git-R-Done" on it. I take this sight in all at once, and as I shut the door behind me, I get my first glimpse at the mom. I don't know exactly how to put this. She just looks like someone who should not be allowed to reproduce. It may be the fact that she's sitting in a lawn chair she brought from home with a twenty-four pack of Pepsi. You can't make this stuff up.
• Why does everyone assume Humpty Dumpty is egg-shaped? There's nothing in the nursery rhyme that indicates he's shaped like an egg. He could just be a regular guy who falls off a wall and loses a leg.
• Sharon reads a Harry Potter blog called "The Leaky Cauldron." This sounds like a sex term to me. In fact, we need to define the Leaky Cauldron and spread the term around. If it becomes popular enough, maybe the blog will shut down out of embarassment. Any suggestions?
• I don't know anyone named Curtis.
• Sharon and I were filling out a survey of our belongings for our insurance company, and in it we had to give an estimate of the value of our movie collection. We counted 97 DVDs and Blu-Rays, and given their average of $15 per disk, I discovered we have almost $1,500 worth of movies. I never realized our movie collection cost me an entire month's pay. That seems outrageous when I think about it.
• Conversation with my preceptor:
  Dr. M "I had a patient yesterday who was only nineteen years old and even taller than you, no pun intended."
  Me "...none taken?"
• I occasionally get heartburn, so I keep Maximum Strength Tums in my cabinet. The directions say to take two tablets. If I need to take two, how can they be maximum strength?
• We were watching Changeling tonight when a character used the phrase "It's raining cats, dogs, and Democrats out there." I don't know what it means, but I'm going to try to use it as often as possible.

Son of Random Thoughts

• I walked into a bathroom today, and there were signs on the sink and paper towel dispenser which said "Do Not Use Out Of Order." I thought to myself "Right. Sink first."
• Remember Gak? Wasn't that stuff awesome? Smud was cool too. But not Floam. Fuck Floam.
• Reading the nurse's notes for one of my patients: "Pt C/O HA ST tonsils pussy sore all over" Translation: "Patient complains of headache and sore throat. Tonsils are PURULENT, and she is sore all over."
• [rant]One of my patients today was a 16 year old girl whose mother got her medical degree at I Have An Internet Connection University. Apparently she put all her daughter's symptoms into Google and decided that she has Dengue fever. I'm sorry, has your daughter recently traveled to China? No? Then she doesn't have Dengue fever. No, I'm not going to argue with you. No, she doesn't have sodium deficiency. Because you can't get low blood sodium from dietary changes, your body compensates for it. Yes, I'm sure. I don't care what her symptoms are, her body works just like everyone elses. Maybe your daughter is tired all the time because she has an obsessive mom who stresses her out over every little thing. What? Fibromyalgia? Get out.
  
  I absolutely cannot work with patients for the rest of my life.
  
  [/rant]
  
• Guess what I saw today? Whooping cough! And here I thought vaccines would rid us of Bordatella pertussis. Too many stupid people, I guess.
• What bugs me about pediatricians is that they never dress like doctors (i.e. white coat and tie). The only way I can tell the difference between them and the patient's parents is the stethoscope. I also hate how they talk to everyone like they're nine years old. It's annoying when they're talking to med students like that, but it's even more ridiculous when they talk to 6-month-old infants like that. She can't understand you, shes a fucking baby. I'm feeling very cynical this month.
• I read a comment on Facebook where my friend used the word "seriously" three times in two sentences. Ironically, I no longer take her seriously.
• What was the name of the singer Max wants to meet in "A Goofy Movie"? Was it Powerglove? This is bugging me, but I don't want to look it up.
• I read a headline on Yahoo! about capturing a rare type of rhino on film in the wild. It said it's so rare, "less than 60 exist in the world." How the hell do they know that?
• If I were to make a TV show, it would be almost exactly like Wonder Showzen. And like Wonder Showzen, public outcry would force it to be canceled after two seasons. By the way, if you've never heard of Wonder Showzen, you can watch the entire series online. You're welcome.
• Quick quiz: Without Googling, which city do you think has a larger population, Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? I always thought they were about the same size, but apparently one has 1.4 million people (the 6th largest city) and one has about 300,000 people (smaller than Sacramento and Witchita).
• I consider myself an avid baseball fan, yet I have absolutely no idea who won the World Series last year.
  

More Random Thoughts...

• I hope that in my medical career I never again hear the words "fungating mass" and "anus" used in the same sentence, especially if that sentence begins with "Brandon, go do a digital rectal exam on..."
• I should use the word "apropos" more.
• Sharon and I were watching a documentary on this woman who was traveling to America for an amputation, and I just KNEW there were several puns waiting to be made, but I was struggling. I started off with "She's got bigger calves than a young Paul Bunyan," but it didn't do it for me. Too obscure. After a while, I found it: "After her amputation, she'll let out two big thighs of relief."
  
• I bought these sunglasses almost a year ago, but it still feels like I just bought them.
• I like to talk to people on elevators, and then say "Well, have a good day" when we get near their floor. I try to do it early enough that there are a few awkward seconds between the end of the conversation and when the doors open. Sometimes they'll take a step toward the doors, but they don't open right away, and I laugh a little inside. Things like this get me through the day.
• Along those same lines, I like to hold doors open for strangers in the hospital, but I do it when they're still pretty far down the hallway. My record for this is about forty feet. I love it when they do a little fake jog to get to the door.
• I have never understood the expression "clean as a whistle." Are whistles known for being clean? Don't they get filled with spit?
  
• During rounds one morning, one of the students drops a JP drain on the floor. The resident asks "Did you just drop that bloody, contaminated drain on the floor?" The student replies "The word 'drop' can mean so many things." I could only think of two.
• I used duct tape to fix a duct today. It was fulfilling.
• Unless you're moving a cart, a stroller, or a wheelchair, I don't think you should be allowed to take an elevator up or down a single floor. In fact, someone should rig the elevator to injure anyone who tries. Not a day goes by I don't see someone who weighs 300 lbs take an elevator from the second floor of the hospital to the cafeteria on the first floor. But I'm sure it's a gland problem.
• I need to write a joke that ends with "I've never seen a beaver dam, but I have seen two squirrels fuck."
• That last joke sounded funny in my head this morning. Now I'm disappointed with it. I apologize.
• Today I was reading about midgut volvulous, a condition where a piece of intestine gets twisted around itself and strangles its own blood supply, causing it to die. The problem was I had misread it as "midget volvulous," so I couldn't stop laughing.
• Boomerangs are highly glorified by cartoons. They don't really work like that.
• Apparently, it's snowing. I should look outside more often.

It's A Scary Place

This past month, I started carrying a small notepad with me. I started doing it because I've been extremely busy, and as a result I forget lots of stuff, so I need to keep a running "to do" list. This is especially important in the hospital, because I'll forget to post-op a patient or check vital signs if I don't write it down. But lately, I've started carrying it with me when I'm not in the hospital. I've heard a lot of comedians and authors carry around notepads so they can write down ideas for jokes or stories. So I've started writing down things that happen during the day that amuse me. Sometimes it's weird things I see, sometimes it's stupid things people say. Most of the time, however, it's just strange thoughts that pop into my head. This post is about a week's worth of notes I've jotted down. So this, ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in my head.

• I went in to get an H&P (history and physical) from a patient named Joel. He says "Call me Joe." This bugs me.
• At clinic one day, I notice someone has cut out a Hagar the Horrible comic strip and taped it to their workstation. Really? Hagar the Horrible? I didn't know anyone took that comic seriously.
• It's January 29th, and I drive by a house with a light-up Santa Claus and three reindeer on their roof. This should be illegal after about January 7th.
• I meet one of my preceptor's partners who introduces himself as Dr. Abel Nortz. I introduce myself and ask him if he's ever noticed that the letters of his name are in alphabetical order. No, he's never noticed. It scares me that I did.
• I think the gayest thing about me is how much I enjoy taking a huge crap.
• We're doing morning rounds. The residents are discussing DVT prophylaxis for a patient who is one day status post femoral-anterior tibial graft placement. In my mind, I'm thinking "I wonder if a turkey could beat a goose in a footrace?"
• I saw a sign at Cost Plus advertising "Occasional Tables." I know now what they meant, but at the time I thought "What's an occasional table? Sometimes it's a bed, sometimes it's a chair, but occasionally it's a table?"
• I'll bet my shoes were made in a sweatshop.
• I saw a guy at Target wearing a shirt that said "Yes, those jeans make you look fat." I'm not sure what message he's trying to send. I hope that message is "It's laundry day, and this was a gift from a friend who doesn't know me that well."
• I can't watch porn anymore. "What do those girls need a babysitter for? They're like 26 years old..."
  
• My clinical adviser emailed me and told me to meet him "right at 10ish." I don't know how to be punctually approximate.
• The operation I did today involved debriding a gangrenous rectal infection. Everyone was complaining about how bad it smelled. I didn't mind, because it meant I could fart without anyone knowing.
• The chaplains in the hospital have a bowl set up at each Nursing Station with inspitational (and usually religious) quotes. My favorite is "God gave you two hands. One with which to help yourself, and another with which to help others." IN BED!
• Trail mix is extremely underrated.
  
• The other students are talking about biofuels. One of them says "It's just such a corn-y idea." Another student giggles. "Is that the best you can do?," I say. "You think you can do better?," he says. I reply, off the top of my head, "These companies are promising a-maize-ing results, and there may be a kernel of truth to their claims, but I wouldn't put to much stalk into their promises. But shucks, if they can start showing results, I'll be all ears. You're out of your league, junior."
• I'm pretty good at juggling. I can name the states in alphabetical order. I've beaten Zelda: Ocarina of Time over 20 times (including once in a single day). And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons and South Park. I guess the overriding theme here is that I didn't date much in high school.
• The name "Todd" seems like it should be short for something, but I don't think it is.
• While watching TV, Sharon turns to me and says, out of nowhere, "I've been greatly misled about Watership Down. I thought all the bunnies lived on a boat. I want my bunnies to have sailor pants and little hats." I love my wife.

More to come...

One eighty-hour week + One sixty-five-hour week + 6 weeks left on Surgery = No updates for a while

Sorry...