The Wrong Side of the Zen

Fuck Kouzmanoff

2009-06-22T17:36:00.007-05:00

Which one was Prometheus, and which one was Bob? I think the alien is Prometheus, but I'm not sure. [EDIT: I looked into it. They put the names in the intro. Prometheus is labeled under the alien, and Bob is labeled above the caveman. Or, alternatively, Prometheus is labeled to the left of the caveman, and Bob is labeled to the right of the alien. That didn't really clear it up.] [EDIT: If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry about it.]
Microsoft Word spellcheck recognizes "podcast," but not "audiobook." It also recognizes "spellchecker," but not "spellcheck." Blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize any of those. It doesn't even recognize "Blogger." It does recognize "Microsoft," though. Okay, I'm done.
Headline of the week: "Georgia Man Wins Lottery Twice In One Week" If you won the lottery, why the hell would you keep playing the lottery?
It's amazing how good I've gotten at pen-twirling during the past few months of medicine.
If I unplug my alarm clock, I have to reset the time. If I unplug my laptop, shut off my cell phone, or take the batteries out of my pager, I don't have to reset the time. I don't know what new piece of technology these all share, nor do I know why alarm clocks have been unable to adopt this technology.
Pet Peeve: When people add extra letters to a typed comment with intended to be read as long and drawn out. I can tolerate it when it makes phonetical sense (as in "Nooooooo!"). It bugs me when they do it to hard consonants (as in "I need a napppppp"). But it drives me FUCKING nuts when they do it to silent letters (as in "I want to go homeeeeeeee").

2009-06-10T16:50:00.004-05:00

It always makes me smile knowing that somewhere in my subconscience, amidst all the medical knowledge I've gained over the past three years, there still lurks an absolutely categorical knowledge of all 151 original Pokemon. I like to picture it there in my mind, hanging out with Ranson's criteria for acute pancreatitis and the differential diagnosis for bilateral lower extremity swelling, as if to say "Screw you guys, I was here first."

There are two sources for confidence during morning rounds. One comes from knowing every little detail about your patients' histories, thoroughly understanding the pathogenesis and etiology of their diseases, and having recited the differential and treatment plan over and over in your head in preparation. The other comes from completely giving up in trying to impress the attending, knowing that their evaluation ultimately amounts to only 10% of your final grade. Guess which one I've learned to embrace?

Oreos dunked in coffee. Try it. Your head will explode.

I had a fortune cookie today that said "Remember three months from this date. Good things always happen on that day." Today was June 11th...

I am never able to spell "restraraunt" right on the first try. Restraunt? Restraurant? Restaurant? Restaraunt?

(Patient with severe hypotension in the ICU) "I don't know why you've got me locked up in this hospital. I'm an herbalist, and I know exactly what I need right now. I need some garlic and some saw palmetto. That stuff you're injecting into me is POISON! The drug companies paid the FDA $50 million so they could pass it through trials. It's all a damn conspiracy! You know why this is happening to me? I know. I know because I'm training to be an astrologer, and I saw it in the stars. I'm going to be a millionaire! I'm not just saying that, you know. I'm training with five other millionaires and they're teaching me how to be a millionaire astrologer. So don't think you can keep me locked in this prison forever."

People have asked me why I want to go into Pathology. I don't think I can make it any clearer than that...
There's currently a video poll on Yahoo!: "You decide! Is this goat waving?" I haven't watched the video, but I'm pretty sure this isn't the democracy the founding fathers had in mind.

Long Overdue

2009-06-02T20:29:00.000-05:00

From now on, for every goddamn news story I see about someone returning a library book 20 years overdue, I'm going to shoot an innocent civilian. JUST KEEP THE DAMN BOOK!
Patient (a 90-year-old woman)"Because of my reflux, I can't sleep flat anymore. I have to prop myself up with pillows."
Dr. F "That's bad for your back. What you need to do is pile bricks or cinder blocks under the head of your mattress, that way it's a more even slope."
Patient [looking at me] "Doctor, is your nurse serious?"
Another entry in the Meaningless Statements Found in Textbooks series: "Almost more than 90-95% of streptococcus is sensitive to these drugs." What?
I never know what to say when a cashier says "Thank you." "You're welcome" doesn't seem appropriate.
Another phrase I don't get: "They're as different as apples and oranges." Come on...they're both fruit! In the grand scheme of things, they're fairly similar. It should be something like "...as different as apples and gazebos."
Did I pluralize gazebos correctly? Gazeboes? Neither one looks right.
Any sentence beginning with "Avast" must be taken seriously.
It's official: I'm sick of DevilDriver.

On a Serious Note

2009-05-28T18:39:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I wrote a serious post, so I decided to take a break from humor (I haven't updated in a month anyways). Today, as part of my Internal Medicine rotation, I shadowed a Palliative Care doctor for a day. Palliative Care is a division of medicine which deals with actively dying patients. The goal of PC is to find the balance between ending suffering and providing comfort, while still working towards prolonging life.

As part of the experience, I had to work through some online modules to teach me about the different aspects of PC. One of these modules dealt with "spiritual concerns," a common concern among dying patients. A section of the module had a list of Universal Spiritual Questions:

"When faced with a life-limiting illness, there are common questions/concerns of patients that transcend all religions, and cultures:

What is my purpose?
Does life have any meaning?
Why do people suffer?
Is suffering a punishment?
What is the meaning of death?
What happens after death?"

The last question made me pause. It used to keep me up at night. The thought of death didn't scare me half as much as that of an afterlife. I don't care how good an afterlife it is, I don't want eternity. But is nothingness a better alternative?

This is one of the comforts atheism has given me. That question no longer scares me. In fact, it doesn't even make logical sense to me anymore. What happens after death? That's like asking What color is honesty? Honesty doesn't have a color, and death doesn't have an after. Sure, time doesn't stop when I die. My friends and family go on living. But from my perspective, death is the end. The year 2200 will be the same to me as the year 1200. To quote Jim Jefferies, "I won't even know I'm dead. You wanna know why? 'Cause I'll be fucking dead!"

The sad thing about all this is how many people believe in an afterlife. I had a patient this morning, dying from metastatic prostate cancer, who is looking forward to reuniting with his father. I don't believe he will. The disappointment that he (won't) feel after he dies is utterly depressing to me. So depressing that I'm glad there won't be a moment of realization. But one thing I learned this morning is the importance of dying comfortably. And if that makes you comfortable, go ahead and believe it. Even if it is just a form of Pascal's Wager. Nothingness is much more comfortable for me.

"Although the time of death is approaching me, I am not afraid of dying and going to Hell or (what would be considerably worse) going to the popularized version of Heaven. I expect death to be nothingness and, for removing me from all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism." -Isaac Asimov

No God. Truth? Sham.

2009-05-01T16:19:00.004-05:00

I wonder how many crossbow deaths there were in Wisconsin last year?
The most depressing thing I've seen this year in medicine: A 27-year-old grandmother.
I wrote "radio beef" in my note pad. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. If I remember, I'll update.
Best bumper sticker I've ever seen: "Your child may be an honor student, but mine has more chromosomes!"
In a couple months, swine flu will go the way of El Nino and SARS.
Me "Mrs. P, even after your gastric bypass, you're still gaining weight. You still need to cut back on the snacks, and you should be drinking at least 60 oz. of water every day."
Mrs. P "60 ounces?! Really? If I drink that much, I won't even be hungry!"
Me "...yeah, that's kinda how it works."
I had a patient named Jorge this morning. The resident pronounced it "Whore-gay." Good try...
Later that day, the same resident asked a female patient her name. She said "Yvonne." The resident wrote "Ivan." Seriously, this person is a doctor.

Math Hotdogs Run

2009-04-09T17:27:00.007-05:00

Dr. P "Brandon, why don't you present your patient quickly, we only have a few minutes left."
Me "Okay, this patient is a-"
Dr. P "We'll try not to interrupt you."
Me "...this patient is a five-year-old male-"
Dr. P "Unless we have questions."
Me "...who presented with a three-day history of-"
Dr. P "Got that? No one interrupt him."
Drug names that would make good villains in a sci-fi movie: Lopressor, Tordol, Zofran
I hit my forehead on the open window in our shower hard enough to draw blood, but not hard enough to realize I had drawn blood. I had about a 1-inch gash trickling blood down my forehead without realizing it. The weird thing was, no one told me about it until I was at the mall three hours later. I had even gone to the supermarket to buy a bottle of bourbon for my bar. I had an open wound and dried blood on my forehead, and all I'm buying is a bottle of liquor. No wonder the cashier was avoiding eye contact...
Nick "How's that coffee cake?"
Me "Great, it's like a muffin in loaf form."
Nick "They should call it 'muffinloaf.'"
Me "...good one."
I don't think I've ever chosen to "Move Single Card" in FreeCell.
Line in a medical textbook: "Usually, ependymomas tend to recur in some cases after surgical resection." That sentence has so many modifiers, it has become meaningless.
Four. Fourteen. One-fourth. Forty. WTF?
I don't know what species of fish is in a fishstick. Flounder? Goldfish? Seahorse? I hope it's seahorse.
Today, a cashier told me to "Have a good night" as I was buying lunch at 11:30 am. That's at least five hours before acceptable.
Snow? Snow? SNOW?! It's April 21st! That's it, Al Gore. Game over. I officially call bullshit.

Romeo Alpha November Delta Oscar Mike Tango Hotel Oscar Uniform Golf Hotel Tango Sierra

2009-04-04T21:18:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I've laughed at Cyanide&Happiness. Disappointing...
If you heat up something solid, it will melt into a liquid. Ice, glass, metal, plastic, almost everything. Except eggs. Heat up a liquid egg and it becomes solid. I think this is a phenomenon that is largely unrecognized by the world.
This news story made my day/week/month/year.
Do midgets have to ride in car seats? Seriously. The American Association of Pediatrics recommends that children should be riding in a car seat until they are 4'9'' tall. No age restrictions. So if someone never reaches that height, shouldn't they have to ride in a car seat?
Sharon got onto my computer while this post was being edited and tried to insert the phrase "Brandon is a jerk face..." in this spot without me realizing it. Nice try, Sharon.
Just for that, here's another "Crazy Sharon" moment:
Sharon "What time do you have to get up?"
Brandon "Quarter to seven."
Sharon "Okay, my alarm is set for 6:46."
Brandon "...why 6:46?"
Sharon "Because it's a palindrome. What? Stop laughing at me!"
I don't get this commercial. I know they're trying to say "Windows is so easy a three-year-old can use it," but come on... the kid's Asian. She probably wrote the damn computer program.
I want to meet the advertising executive who first went to Vlassic and said "You know what would really help sell these pickles? A stork who impersonates Groucho Marx."
Let it be known that I coined the phrase "guano crazy," the censored form of "bat-shit crazy." If you ever hear this, make sure people know I started it.
If my last name were cooler, I'd totally name my son Remington.
Poll: Who had the bigger rise and fall?
"Who Let the Dogs Out" or "The Macarena?"
Hanson or Smash Mouth?
Pogs or Magic: The Gathering?

ndaoRm goThusht

2009-03-07T22:57:00.014-06:00

I don't get the phrase "may or may not," as in "I may or may not get drunk tonight." Doesn't the word "may" already imply the possibility of something not happening? Do we really need the "or may not?" Think about it.
I love how when Sharon talks on the phone, she still nods when she agrees with the person on the other line. It cracks me up every time.
I enter an exam room to meet a new patient, and I see three kids. The first kid (my patient) is a 4 year-old red head who clearly never got through the paste-eating stage. He is wearing sweatpants and a red striped shirt, and is currently sticking his head in the garbage can. Sitting next to him is his older sister (about 8 years old). She is wearing pink sweatpants, which are freshly stained with urine. She is reading a book out loud to herself, and is struggling through "See Spot Run." Next to her is her brother, about six years old. He is morbidly obese. He is at least 100 lbs. He is wearing sweatpants as well, and a T-shirt with the words "Git-R-Done" on it. I take this sight in all at once, and as I shut the door behind me, I get my first glimpse at the mom. I don't know exactly how to put this. She just looks like someone who should not be allowed to reproduce. It may be the fact that she's sitting in a lawn chair she brought from home with a twenty-four pack of Pepsi. You can't make this stuff up.
Why does everyone assume Humpty Dumpty is egg-shaped? There's nothing in the nursery rhyme that indicates he's shaped like an egg. He could just be a regular guy who falls off a wall and loses a leg.
Sharon reads a Harry Potter blog called "The Leaky Cauldron." This sounds like a sex term to me. In fact, we need to define the Leaky Cauldron and spread the term around. If it becomes popular enough, maybe the blog will shut down out of embarassment. Any suggestions?
I don't know anyone named Curtis.
Sharon and I were filling out a survey of our belongings for our insurance company, and in it we had to give an estimate of the value of our movie collection. We counted 97 DVDs and Blu-Rays, and given their average of $15 per disk, I discovered we have almost $1,500 worth of movies. I never realized our movie collection cost me an entire month's pay. That seems outrageous when I think about it.
Conversation with my preceptor:
Dr. M "I had a patient yesterday who was only nineteen years old and even taller than you, no pun intended."
Me "...none taken?"
I occasionally get heartburn, so I keep Maximum Strength Tums in my cabinet. The directions say to take two tablets. If I need to take two, how can they be maximum strength?
We were watching Changeling tonight when a character used the phrase "It's raining cats, dogs, and Democrats out there." I don't know what it means, but I'm going to try to use it as often as possible.

Son of Random Thoughts

2009-02-28T15:20:00.016-06:00

I walked into a bathroom today, and there were signs on the sink and paper towel dispenser which said "Do Not Use Out Of Order." I thought to myself "Right. Sink first."
Remember Gak? Wasn't that stuff awesome? Smud was cool too. But not Floam. Fuck Floam.
Reading the nurse's notes for one of my patients: "Pt C/O HA ST tonsils pussy sore all over" Translation: "Patient complains of headache and sore throat. Tonsils are PURULENT, and she is sore all over."
[rant]One of my patients today was a 16 year old girl whose mother got her medical degree at I Have An Internet Connection University. Apparently she put all her daughter's symptoms into Google and decided that she has Dengue fever. I'm sorry, has your daughter recently traveled to China? No? Then she doesn't have Dengue fever. No, I'm not going to argue with you. No, she doesn't have sodium deficiency. Because you can't get low blood sodium from dietary changes, your body compensates for it. Yes, I'm sure. I don't care what her symptoms are, her body works just like everyone elses. Maybe your daughter is tired all the time because she has an obsessive mom who stresses her out over every little thing. What? Fibromyalgia? Get out.

I absolutely cannot work with patients for the rest of my life.

[/rant]
Guess what I saw today? Whooping cough! And here I thought vaccines would rid us of Bordatella pertussis. Too many stupid people, I guess.
What bugs me about pediatricians is that they never dress like doctors (i.e. white coat and tie). The only way I can tell the difference between them and the patient's parents is the stethoscope. I also hate how they talk to everyone like they're nine years old. It's annoying when they're talking to med students like that, but it's even more ridiculous when they talk to 6-month-old infants like that. She can't understand you, shes a fucking baby. I'm feeling very cynical this month.
I read a comment on Facebook where my friend used the word "seriously" three times in two sentences. Ironically, I no longer take her seriously.
What was the name of the singer Max wants to meet in "A Goofy Movie"? Was it Powerglove? This is bugging me, but I don't want to look it up.
I read a headline on Yahoo! about capturing a rare type of rhino on film in the wild. It said it's so rare, "less than 60 exist in the world." How the hell do they know that?
If I were to make a TV show, it would be almost exactly like Wonder Showzen. And like Wonder Showzen, public outcry would force it to be canceled after two seasons. By the way, if you've never heard of Wonder Showzen, you can watch the entire series online. You're welcome.
Quick quiz: Without Googling, which city do you think has a larger population, Philadelphia or Pittsburgh? I always thought they were about the same size, but apparently one has 1.4 million people (the 6th largest city) and one has about 300,000 people (smaller than Sacramento and Witchita).
I consider myself an avid baseball fan, yet I have absolutely no idea who won the World Series last year.

More Random Thoughts...

2009-02-07T17:19:00.013-06:00

I hope that in my medical career I never again hear the words "fungating mass" and "anus" used in the same sentence, especially if that sentence begins with "Brandon, go do a digital rectal exam on..."
I should use the word "apropos" more.
Sharon and I were watching a documentary on this woman who was traveling to America for an amputation, and I just KNEW there were several puns waiting to be made, but I was struggling. I started off with "She's got bigger calves than a young Paul Bunyan," but it didn't do it for me. Too obscure. After a while, I found it: "After her amputation, she'll let out two big thighs of relief."
I bought these sunglasses almost a year ago, but it still feels like I just bought them.
I like to talk to people on elevators, and then say "Well, have a good day" when we get near their floor. I try to do it early enough that there are a few awkward seconds between the end of the conversation and when the doors open. Sometimes they'll take a step toward the doors, but they don't open right away, and I laugh a little inside. Things like this get me through the day.
Along those same lines, I like to hold doors open for strangers in the hospital, but I do it when they're still pretty far down the hallway. My record for this is about forty feet. I love it when they do a little fake jog to get to the door.
I have never understood the expression "clean as a whistle." Are whistles known for being clean? Don't they get filled with spit?
During rounds one morning, one of the students drops a JP drain on the floor. The resident asks "Did you just drop that bloody, contaminated drain on the floor?" The student replies "The word 'drop' can mean so many things." I could only think of two.
I used duct tape to fix a duct today. It was fulfilling.
Unless you're moving a cart, a stroller, or a wheelchair, I don't think you should be allowed to take an elevator up or down a single floor. In fact, someone should rig the elevator to injure anyone who tries. Not a day goes by I don't see someone who weighs 300 lbs take an elevator from the second floor of the hospital to the cafeteria on the first floor. But I'm sure it's a gland problem.
I need to write a joke that ends with "I've never seen a beaver dam, but I have seen two squirrels fuck."
That last joke sounded funny in my head this morning. Now I'm disappointed with it. I apologize.
Today I was reading about midgut volvulous, a condition where a piece of intestine gets twisted around itself and strangles its own blood supply, causing it to die. The problem was I had misread it as "midget volvulous," so I couldn't stop laughing.
Boomerangs are highly glorified by cartoons. They don't really work like that.
Apparently, it's snowing. I should look outside more often.

It's A Scary Place

2009-01-29T19:49:00.013-06:00

This past month, I started carrying a small notepad with me. I started doing it because I've been extremely busy, and as a result I forget lots of stuff, so I need to keep a running "to do" list. This is especially important in the hospital, because I'll forget to post-op a patient or check vital signs if I don't write it down. But lately, I've started carrying it with me when I'm not in the hospital. I've heard a lot of comedians and authors carry around notepads so they can write down ideas for jokes or stories. So I've started writing down things that happen during the day that amuse me. Sometimes it's weird things I see, sometimes it's stupid things people say. Most of the time, however, it's just strange thoughts that pop into my head. This post is about a week's worth of notes I've jotted down. So this, ladies and gentlemen, is what goes on in my head.

I went in to get an H&P (history and physical) from a patient named Joel. He says "Call me Joe." This bugs me.
At clinic one day, I notice someone has cut out a Hagar the Horrible comic strip and taped it to their workstation. Really? Hagar the Horrible? I didn't know anyone took that comic seriously.
It's January 29th, and I drive by a house with a light-up Santa Claus and three reindeer on their roof. This should be illegal after about January 7th.
I meet one of my preceptor's partners who introduces himself as Dr. Abel Nortz. I introduce myself and ask him if he's ever noticed that the letters of his name are in alphabetical order. No, he's never noticed. It scares me that I did.
I think the gayest thing about me is how much I enjoy taking a huge crap.
We're doing morning rounds. The residents are discussing DVT prophylaxis for a patient who is one day status post femoral-anterior tibial graft placement. In my mind, I'm thinking "I wonder if a turkey could beat a goose in a footrace?"
I saw a sign at Cost Plus advertising "Occasional Tables." I know now what they meant, but at the time I thought "What's an occasional table? Sometimes it's a bed, sometimes it's a chair, but occasionally it's a table?"
I'll bet my shoes were made in a sweatshop.
I saw a guy at Target wearing a shirt that said "Yes, those jeans make you look fat." I'm not sure what message he's trying to send. I hope that message is "It's laundry day, and this was a gift from a friend who doesn't know me that well."
I can't watch porn anymore. "What do those girls need a babysitter for? They're like 26 years old..."
My clinical adviser emailed me and told me to meet him "right at 10ish." I don't know how to be punctually approximate.
The operation I did today involved debriding a gangrenous rectal infection. Everyone was complaining about how bad it smelled. I didn't mind, because it meant I could fart without anyone knowing.
The chaplains in the hospital have a bowl set up at each Nursing Station with inspitational (and usually religious) quotes. My favorite is "God gave you two hands. One with which to help yourself, and another with which to help others." IN BED!
Trail mix is extremely underrated.
The other students are talking about biofuels. One of them says "It's just such a corn-y idea." Another student giggles. "Is that the best you can do?," I say. "You think you can do better?," he says. I reply, off the top of my head, "These companies are promising a-maize-ing results, and there may be a kernel of truth to their claims, but I wouldn't put to much stalk into their promises. But shucks, if they can start showing results, I'll be all ears. You're out of your league, junior."
I'm pretty good at juggling. I can name the states in alphabetical order. I've beaten Zelda: Ocarina of Time over 20 times (including once in a single day). And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of The Simpsons and South Park. I guess the overriding theme here is that I didn't date much in high school.
The name "Todd" seems like it should be short for something, but I don't think it is.
While watching TV, Sharon turns to me and says, out of nowhere, "I've been greatly misled about Watership Down. I thought all the bunnies lived on a boat. I want my bunnies to have sailor pants and little hats." I love my wife.

More to come...

2009-01-18T19:57:00.001-06:00

One eighty-hour week + One sixty-five-hour week + 6 weeks left on Surgery = No updates for a while

Sorry...

Oompa Loomprechaun

2009-01-03T12:20:00.006-06:00

I recently spent four days in Las Vegas with two of my high school friends, Ben and Bob. Day 1 was a typical night on Fremont Street, nothing too exciting. Day 2 is an interesting story, but permission must be gained from appropriate parties to talk about that night. Day 4 was recovery and damage control. Day 3 was New Year's Eve. The events of that night are presented here...

The story of Day 3 really begins on Day 2. For dinner, we decide to try an Irish pub in the Rio called McFadden's. At this point, we're planning on heading to Fremont Street for New Year's Eve. It's a $20 cover charge, but they have a bunch of tribute bands playing, and let's face it, it's Fremont Street. As we walk into McFadden's, though, I see they're having a New Year's Eve party. $75 gets you unlimited top-shelf drinks for four hours as well as a dinner buffet.

Now, for those of you who don't know Ben and Bob, rest assured that we can get our money's worth at an open bar. Ben is my height and much "fluffier" than me. Bob is at least two inches taller and even "fluffier" than Ben. They can hold their liquor. $75 for unlimited top-shelf drinks in Vegas may well put this bar out of business. At the least, we know it will be a good time. Our waitress convinces us to pre-order our tickets. Looking around the table, we start talking about how epic this New Years will be:

Ben "I'll bet I end up sitting in the back of a cop car saying the words 'But ossifer...'"
Bob "I'm probably going to vomit all over the bar and get escorted out."
Brillo "I want to do something crazy, like body shots off a drunk midget."

The prophecy hath been fortold. Two of those predictions came true. Any guesses which ones? Let's move on...

The following morning at 1 pm, each of us nursing a raging hangover and my throat sore from vomiting (Day 2 was epic as well), we decided to walk over to the Gold Coast for lunch. As we're walking out the door, we pass by a midget.

Bob "Hey Brillo, go ask him if you can do a body shot off him."
Ben "Maintain, guys, maintain..."

I notice that the midget is carrying some dry-cleaning. He has his arm stretched over his head, but it's still dragging on the floor. I catch a glimpse of it and see what looks like a green suit. Could it be a leprechaun costume? I try not to get my hopes up...

We eat lunch at a Chinese restaurant at the Gold Coast. We spend most of the meal trying to understand our waiters. Ben decides to do the Dim Sum special. Due to a lapse in communication with our waitress, he ends up getting only one piece of beef and a plate of rice. I order a bowl of hot and sour soup, but our waiter thinks I'm ordering for the table, so he brings me a giant bowl. I look down and see that it looks eerily similar to the vomit-filled toilet(s) from the previous night. But then all hot and sour soup looks like that. It actually turned out to be very good.

The way we're sitting, me and Ben can see into the casino, but Bob has his back to it. The soup was extremely spicy, to the point that my vision is blurry. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I look out into the casino, and I swear for a split second I see a midget dressed like a leprechaun.

Brillo (pointing) "BEN! BEN! IS THAT..."
Ben "Oh my God... it's a midget dressed like a leprechaun!"
Bob "You guys are full of shit."

Not even halfway done with our meal, we throw money on the table and run out trying to catch him. Alas, he's gone. Probably rode away on a rainbow and disappeared.

Brillo "I swear to Christ it was a midget dressed like a leprechaun. Dude, maybe he'll be at McFadden's tonight!"
Bob "Even if there was a midget, and I still think you guys are fucking with me, why would he be advertising for McFadden's at the Gold Coast? The two casinos aren't even owned by the same company."

Fucking Bob, smashing my dreams. He's probably right though. Still, I maintain a glimmer of hope. Maybe... just maybe...

We head back to the Rio and take a nap (when you travel with two big fat guys, you take a lot of naps). When we wake up, despite still being hungover at 7 pm, we start to pre-party in the hotel room. We had started the trip with a handel of Kettle One, a fifth of Jameson, and a 350 of Beefeater. We each have two or three full glasses of vodka on the rocks. At 8:30, a guy is going to try to do a back flip in a truck, and from our room on the 12th floor, we have a good view of the landing site. We're watching the ESPN broadcast of the truck flip with the Rio lit up in the background. Bob is calling all his friends and telling them to look on the 12th floor for him pressing his balls up against the window. This, my friends, is sober Bob.

At 9:00 we head down to the bar. We walk in and load up on hats, noisemakers, and beads. I'm a sucker for free crap. There are two rooms. The main room has a bar, a dance floor, and a buffet. The second room off to the side has a long bar with a bunch of hookers camped out at the end of it. We make a beeline to the bar and order drinks.

Brillo "Can I get a Bombay martini?"
Bartender "Sorry, no martinis."
Brillo "Okay...Grey Goose on the rocks."
Bartender "No shots, no martinis, no on the rocks."

I knew there'd be a catch to this "unlimited bar." The bartender explains that it's illegal in the state of Nevada to give away shots for free. Bullshit, this law will be broken more than once during the night. So I order a Goose and club. Then another. Then another. And I'm still three behind Ben and Bob.

We spend most of the next hour jumping into the background of people trying to take pictures. Yes, we are That Guy. One of the perks of drinking with two fat guys is that no one tries to pick a fight with you. With one swipe of his mighty paw, Bob can hospitalize anyone in the bar. The world is our playground.

At one point, Ben goes out to use the restroom, while Bob heads out into the casino to buy a corn dog (no buffet can contain him). I head to the bar to get another drink when I see him. Standing two feet away from me is a midget...dressed like a leprechaun. Not only is he in a leprechaun costume, but his face is painted orange and he's wearing a green wig. He is an Oompa Loomprechaun! He has a sign stapled to his hat that says "$3 For a Picture. Do Not Toss." This is excellent news...it means he can be bought and he has a sense of humor. I text Ben and Bob in capital letters telling them to get their asses back to the bar. Ben gets my text and comes sprinting across the casino. Bob doesn't get my text, but when he comes back he sees the midget on his way in.

Bob "Brillo! Did you see-"
Brillo "I saw!!! I saw!!!"

Bob walks up to the midget and plays the wingman. Bob used to sell barbeques for a living before moving to the warehouse, so he's an excellent negotiator. We give the midget $40 (money has no meaning when midgets are involved) and he agrees. I run to the bar and order a shot of tequila.

Bartender "No can do. No free shots."
Brillo "But you don't understand! I'M DOING BODY SHOTS OFF THE OOMPA LOOMPRECHAUN!"
The bartender has a disgusted look on his face.
Brillo "Don't you judge me. Just make it happen!"

The midget talks to the bartender, gives him $20, and convinces him to let me do the shot. Everyone in the bar is looking at me. Half them are cheering me on, while the other half just stares in disgust. Fuck that half. I do the shot, pose for pictures, and high five a few random people

The rest of the night was pretty typical of going to a bar with Ben and Bob. I'm telling everyone I meet that I did a body shot of the Oompa Loomprechaun, who has been dancing a merry jig on the bar throughout the night. Other highlights:

-The second room with the bar has windows that look out into the casino. We sneak up behind people who are leaning on the window and knock on the glass. This pisses off more than a few douchebags, but when they see Bob, they walk away.

-We reach the "drunk dancing" portion of the night, but they're playing shitty '80s music. So we just start singing the chorus to Europe's The Final Countdown instead. We start to mosh, but a bouncer tells us not to.

-In the front room, Bob and I are standing in front of the bar facing away from it. The Oompa Loomprechaun, who is trashed (and kind of a lightweight), jumps up onto the bar, runs over to us, and kisses each of us on the cheek. I now have orange face paint on me.

-At one point, I come back from the bathroom and see seven straws in Ben's drink and a pile of straws in front of Bob. Ben is doubled over in laughter while Bob yells at the bartender:

Bob "Fuck you, I want more straws."
Bartender "You already took all the straws we have."
Bob "I want more!"

Bob grabs all the straws in front of him and throws them at the bartender. Out of nowhere, a bouncer even bigger than Bob shows up from behind him and threatens to cut him off. Luckily, the bartender is struggling to breathe because he's laughing so hard, and he waves the bouncer away. Laughter is our greatest ally.

At midnight, we do our champagne toast, then go to the side bar and ask to do shots. He refuses.

Bartender "It's illegal, I can't give out shots for free."
Brillo "That's bullshit, I just did a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun."
Bartender (blank stare) "That's kinda gay..."
Brillo "Have you ever done a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun?"
Bartender "I don't wa-"
Brillo "Yes or no! Have you ever done a body shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun?!"
Bartender "No, bu-"
Brillo "Then I call the shots! Pour 'em!"

Bob starts throwing $1 bills at him. I reach into my pocket, but I'm out of $1's, so I take out a $5 bill. While Bob is distracting him, I back-palm the bill. I get the bartender's attention and make the bill appear out of thin air. The bartender is amazed.

Bartender (after a three-second pause) "Alright! You guys are doing shots! What do you want?"

Now, I'm literally a card-carrying member of the Jack Daniel's fan club. I can do shots of JD in my sleep. And I just won over the bartender, so it's my call. Jack it is. He pours four shots (and I use the word "shot" loosely; my cup was at least half-full) and sets them in front of us.

Bob "No man, not whiskey. If I do this shot, I'm going to throw up."
Brillo "Bullshit, you got this. Pound it!"

We do the shot, and the bartender immediately pours himself a Coke chaser (pussy). While he's drinking that, I look over at Bob, who has his forehead resting on the bar. I look under him and see the floor covered in vomit. Shāh Māt, the king is dead. The best part is, he did it totally covertly. No one else notices; not the bartender, not Ben, not the bouncer who has been standing behind us since the straw-throwing incident. Bob is a 6'7" motherfucking ninja.

Brillo "Come on Bob, we gotta go."
Bob "But we still have a half-hour left of open bar!"
Brillo "You're throwing up, we have to get up to our room."

Ben asks why we're running out, so I tell him to look under the bar and smooth things over with the bartender. I lead Bob through the hordes of people in the casino to the elevator, pausing along the way to inform everyone that I did a body-shot off a midget dressed like a leprechaun.

We take the elevators up to the 12th floor. From where the elevators are, there are three long hallways with rooms, and we're all the way at the end of one of them. We get about halfway down the hall when Bob says he wants to get a soda from the vending machines, which are down a different hall. Despite my pleading, he runs off to get a soda. Ben comes off one of the elevators.

Brillo "What happened at the bar?"
Ben "The bartender said it was fine and sent someone to clean it up."
Brillo "Good thing he's on our side."
Ben "Where's Bob?"

Where is Bob? We look over, and he's about halfway down the wrong hallway. He is no longer wearing his shirt. We get his attention, and instead of turning around and casually walking down the hall, he starts running towards us.

I'm going to pause and explain something about Bob. Sober, Bob is a jolly fat guy who would never hurt a fly. When he reaches a certain level of drunk, he turns into Bob Smash. Whatever gets in Bob's way, BOB SMASH! He doesn't get beligerent or violent, he just barrels over anything in his way. Tonight, there are people in his way. Strangers, who just got off the elevators. They look over and see a 400 pound half-naked guy running down the hall.

Ben "He's not going to stop! MOVE! MOVE! PLAY DEAD!"
Bob "ROAR!"
Brillo "I DID A BODY SHOT OFF A MIDGET!"

Luckily, no one is injured. We make it back to the room, and Bob decides he wants an omelete from room service. I start calling random people, not realizing it's1 am. Room service shows up, and a big black woman delivers Bob's omelete. Bob is naked. Ben is in his underwear. I mutter something about Aunt Jemimah (drunk Brillo has no filter). She now thinks we're homosexual racists.

For the third night in a row, I pass out facing the wrong way on my fold-out bed, fully clothed, with my contacts in and my slippers on.

My hangover lasts until 3 pm Friday.

In retrospect, I've thought about it, and I've decided to retire from drinking. I'll have my one drink a day with dinner, but I don't plan on getting drunk again for a long time. I'm going out on top. I can't imagine topping the Oompa Loomprechaun story. And I'm not sure I want to.

Humor

2008-12-20T10:40:00.003-06:00

"If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em" -Tucker Max

War on "War on Christmas"

2008-12-13T15:17:00.003-06:00

Pass The Meme Along

2008-11-29T11:05:00.003-06:00

This has been passed around the blog-o-sphere, so I thought I'd partake.

What does your music say about you?

Instructions: Open up iTunes to your music library. In the upper right corner, set "Search Music" to "Song." Now type the following words in and record the number of results:

Love- 18 (7 by Stevie Wonder)

Hate- 10

War- 36

Peace- 2 (one of which is "If You Want Peace...Prepare For War" by CoB)

Black- 25

White- 4

Life- 20

Death- 22

Blood- 28

Water- 5

Now type in the letters of the alphabet, separated by spaces (i.e. a b c d...) When only one song is left, write the name of the song (If many songs are eliminated at once, write the first song alphabetically): "Big Bear and the Hour of Chaos" by Unearth (beat out five other songs on "i")

Now do the same thing with the letters of the city and state you live in: "He Was Stretching, And Then He Climbed Up Here" by The Red Chord (made it through "Milwau" with eight other songs)

And once again using the letters of your own name: "Contempt Breeds Contamination" by Trivium (made it all the way through my name with three other songs)

Ugly People Make Good Music

2008-11-29T10:55:00.003-06:00

Magic

2008-11-22T10:08:00.002-06:00

Santa Claus

2008-11-15T10:50:00.002-06:00

32 "uh"s in this one. I've never noticed how often I say that...

Election, Prayer, and Free Will

2008-11-08T11:37:00.004-06:00

2008-11-05T06:57:00.002-06:00

Remember, remember, the fifth of November
The gunpowder, treason, and plot.
I know of no reason, the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Hell House XVIII

2008-10-27T21:12:00.003-05:00

If you aren't familiar with Hell House, it's a fundamentalist horror house in Texas. Each room has a bunch of actors in it who act out various "sinful acts." The Atheist Community of Austin, producers of The Atheist Experience, decided to take a trip there (as they have in years past).

Hilarity ensues...

(continued)

Poe's Law? I'm Not Sure

2008-10-13T22:00:00.001-05:00

1. Go to Google
2. Type in "god's great gift"
3. Click I'm Feeling Lucky
4. Read.

What do you think? Real or fake?

Science Debate 2008...

2008-10-10T22:16:00.003-05:00

...won't happen. But here's the next best thing.

For those who don't know, there was a push amongst the scientific community to hold a science-based debate between the two candidates. A petition was started by six people (one of whom, coincidentally, is Charles Darwin's great-grandson) to convince the candidates that the debate was important to a lot of people. 38,000 signatures later (including several Nobel Laureates), the petition was presented to McCain and Obama. And they both refused. It seems they were afraid it would be like a science test, not a discussion of policies.

So to alleviate their fears and get some kind of response from them, a list of 14 questions was sent to each candidate, and they were asked to submit written responses. This time, both candidates replied. You can check out their responses, side-by side, at the Sciencedebate 2008 website:

Sciencedebate 2008

I'll try to look through the responses more thoroughly, but just from skimming through, it seems each candidate's response can be summed up as "more funding." As a taxpayer, that disappoints me. As a scientist/future doctor, it's good to hear. So I'm torn. But check out the site if you're interested in either science or politics.

Yoink!

2008-10-08T22:44:00.003-05:00

Again, this is stolen from Sharon's blog, but it's an awesome thread:

Candidate = ???

Once you get the idea of it, check out my contribution to the game:

My Contribution

Something From Nothing

2008-10-04T11:50:00.002-05:00

A TV Show That Gets It Right

2008-09-29T21:04:00.003-05:00

Shocking, I know. But CBS's new drama The Mentalist had an awesome pilot last Tuesday. I'd give a quick synopsis, but it's much more worth your time to watch the full episode online at http://www.cbs.com/primetime/the_mentalist/

Suffice to say, the show has a strong skeptical bend to it. After watching the scene in the restaurant, I fell in love with the show. And according to someone close to the show who writes on the SGU forums, the writers and producers are sticking to skepticism. No "I guess I was wrong about psychics" moment thus far. New episodes Tuesdays at 9 p.m. Definately made my DVR.

13 Million Little Digits

2008-09-29T14:08:00.002-05:00

B.D.I.U.

2008-09-25T14:53:00.003-05:00

The Atheist Experience

2008-09-21T11:32:00.003-05:00

http://www.atheist-experience.com/

This video clip makes me laugh out loud every time I see it.

Heroes

2008-09-11T06:04:00.002-05:00

The other night, me and Sharon had our monthly Atheist Meetup. It's a group of atheists in Milwaukee who met on the internet and decided to have dinner once a month as a group. We don't usually talk much about atheism, it's usually just general science talk. The best part is the age of the members range from 6 years old to well over 80. While I was talking to one of the elderly members, I mentioned that I wear my Scarlet Letter A on my white coat to identify myself as an atheist. What's more, some patients have actually recognized it as an atheist symbol and have asked me about it (so far with only one negative result). After I said this, the woman I was talking to said "What you're doing is very brave, almost heroic. Thank you."

I disagree. I'm not wearing it to be brave, and I certainly don't think I'm a hero. I wear it mostly as a conversation piece. One of the other students actually came out as an atheist and started wearing a pin as well. But to me, hero means so much more.

Travis had a post a while back about heroes, and I commented there, but I thought I'd talk about it on here. I have a good number of heroes. Getting the obvious ones out of the way, James Randi, Penn Jilette, and Mitch Hedberg are personal heroes, in the sense that I want to be more like them. But they've never really done anything "heroic." Maybe James Randi, taking on Uri Gellar, but even that is sort of a stretch. To me, being a hero means taking risks for what you believe in. The obvious choice here (although ficticious) is V from V for Vendetta. But it feels like a cop-out to pick a fictional character (badass as he is).

If I had to pick a real hero, it would have to be George Carlin. He took big risks to speak his mind. If I wear my atheist pin to work, I can't be fired because of it due to freedom of speech laws. I can be despised, but I can't really lost anything. Geroge Carlin risked his career to speak his mind, saying things no one else would say. Up until the day of his funeral, he was hated enough to have protesters and death threats (okay, no death threats at his funeral, but you get the point). He truly was a hero to me and to all the other cynical assholes out there. R.I.P.

Just Watch It

2008-09-05T20:57:00.000-05:00

Stolen from Sharon's Blog.

Your first instinct is to laugh. Then shake your head. Then cry.

Love Is Hate

2008-09-03T06:10:00.008-05:00

Once again, I'm done early pre-rounding, so I'm typing out a post (it's been a while since I recorded one, actually). I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon of destroying Governor Palin. Everyone knows her unwed teenage daughter is pregnant. I don't think we should make an issue out of the fact that her unwed teenage daughter is pregnant, while at the same time she promotes abstinence-only education policies. Barack Obama said he wouldn't attack her for having an unwed teenage daughter who is pregnant. It would be below me to talk about the fact that her unwed teenage daugher is pregnant. So I won't talk about it.

I don't have time to talk about all things Palin. If you're up for some Googling, try "Palin CNN interview" and learn how McCain can get offended by newsanchors talking about real issues (and for a hilarious video of Palin's spokesperson making an ass of himself). Of course, there's also the arrests that are being made outside St. Paul because protestors have the gall to speak their minds.

But I'll focus on something else. My other blogger friends have already pointed out her "under god" faux pas. In short, when asked if she was offended by the phrase "under god" appearing in the Pledge of Allegiance, she replied "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me." Dennis already blasted her for this historical inaccuracy. I won't talk about why this is so offensive or why "under god" shouldn't be in the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm sure I've talked about it before. What really worries me about this is that we have to explain why she's wrong. There's a significant portion of this country who actually think the founding fathers put "under god" in the pledge, or put "in god we trust" on our money, or that they were Christians. This begs the question: if enough people believe it, is it really lying?

I'm sure most of the people reading this blog have also read George Orwell's 1984. I know what you're thinking, I'm a crazy revolutionary who finds Orwell everywhere. Bear with me. For those who haven't read it, one of the central ideas is that the government can change facts. They can make you believe 2+2=5. Most importantly, they can change history. Not in the sense of the old adage "history is written by the winner;" the government can change historical facts just by saying "this is what we now believe." Reading the book, I had thought this was impossible. But it's actually happening. If enough people say the founding fathers were Christians, people start to believe it. People stop asking "is this really true?" We don't need history books anymore. We've changed history. We have new facts. The founding fathers were Christians. The Pilgrims came to America to escape religious persecution. We didn't slaughter millions of Native Americans. Christmas was always a national holiday. The United States did not escalate the Cold War, it was always the Soviet Union. Iraq has always had WMDs and there has always been a link between Al-Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden. These were always true. No one has ever disputed that these were always true. These are facts, and we have always believed them.

And that really scares me.

War is Peace

Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

Bill Maher

2008-08-29T19:45:00.003-05:00

I'm actually excited about Bill Maher. If you haven't heard about it, Google his new movie Religulous. I've never really liked him, mostly because he buys into a lot of alternative medicine woo, but at least he understands the evolution "controversy:"

You shouldn't teach both sides of a debate when one side is a load of crap [. . .] 'Babies come from storks' is not a competing school of thought. In medical school, we shouldn't teach both. The media should not equate both.

This Couldn't Wait

2008-08-29T06:02:00.004-05:00

I just finished pre-rounding on my patients, so I sat down at the computer to check my email, and I saw this news story on the homepage:

Fan Ejected from Yankee Stadium

I'm sorry, but I couldn't wait until I got home to record a video on this one. Apparently the fan was "forcibly escorted" out of the stadium after he got up to use the bathroom during God Bless America. A police officer told him to return to his seat, the man said "I don't care about this song," and the police officer immediately twisted his arm around his back and threw him out of the stadium. After tossing him through the turnstills, the police officer said "'get the hell out of my country if you don't like it." The police claim the man was beligerent and drunk, but all the witnesses have said this isn't true.

This is how it's going to happen. This is how our country will become a theocracy. When the police become autonomous, enforcing their own rules. This is sickening. This story sounds like something out of a futuristic utopia, something like V for Vendetta or 1984. This is too far. Right now, atheists need to stand up for themselves. Being an atheist is not a crime. This country was founded on the fucking right to get up and leave whenever the fuck you want. If this fan wanted to stand up, give the middle finger, and yell "There is no God," HE HAS THAT FUCKING RIGHT. Freedom of speech. But freedom isn't what it used to be. I hope these police officers get taken down. Tell me where to write a letter. I'm pissed.

Edit: George Carlin says it best.

Wear Your 'A' Proudly

2008-08-26T18:34:00.002-05:00

Metal By Numbers Lyrics

Dennis' Post

John's Post

Call Me in the Morning

2008-08-22T09:05:00.003-05:00

Fascination With Vaccination

2008-08-14T19:56:00.007-05:00

http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=186#more-186

Really, pass it on to your friends.

How Psychics Work

2008-08-14T15:21:00.003-05:00

Check out this site, run by Robert Lancaster.

http://www.stopsylviabrowne.com/

For more information, and an interview with Robert Lancaster, listen to The Skeptics Guide to the Universe, Episode #87

Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay?

2008-08-07T11:38:00.002-05:00

The Dragon In My Garage

2008-08-06T13:01:00.003-05:00

Check out this essay by Carl Sagan, one of the founders of the skeptical movement. I've talked about ideas like this on here before, but I could never express it as elegantly as Dr. Sagan.

The Dragon In My Garage

Do You Believe The Magic Missile Theory?

2008-08-05T19:10:00.002-05:00

Was the Death Star attack an inside job?

Courtesy of Episode #90 of The Skeptics' Guide

Anger: It Gets Shit Done

2008-08-04T15:13:00.003-05:00

We Have A Dog!

2008-08-03T17:37:00.005-05:00

We just got our new dog from the rescue society. She's a Pembroke Welsh Corgi mixed with... something? She's a little tall for a Corgi, but just as spunky. Her name is eV (pronounced "Eevee"). In chemistry and physics, an "eV" is a unit of energy equal to 1.602 x 10^-19 J. So she's a little bundle of energy! And yes, we are nerds.

Moons Over My Hammy

2008-08-01T19:39:00.005-05:00

I don't mean to steal everything from Sharon's LiveJournal, but I had to post this. Here's the actual forum topic for background. Basically, some Christians believe that the moon emits its own light (like the sun) rather than reflecting the light from the sun, because it says so in the Bible:

Isaiah 30:26 Moreover the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day that the LORD bindeth up the breach of his people, and healeth the stroke of their wound.

That's not enough for you? What about these passages:

Isaiah 13:10 For the stars of heaven and the constellations thereof shall not give their light: the sun shall be darkened in his going forth, and the moon shall not cause her light to shine.

Ezekiel 32:7 And when I shall put thee out, I will cover the heaven, and make the stars thereof dark; I will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her light.

Mathew: 24:29 Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken.

Mark 13:24 But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light,

Reading this makes me feel like I have a brain freeze...

Psychiatry and Religion: What Is a Hallucination?

2008-08-01T13:58:00.002-05:00

Yeah, Yeah, I'm Alive...

2008-07-30T20:51:00.002-05:00

A River in Egypt

2008-07-24T17:39:00.002-05:00

Is Psychiatry Scientific?- The Infidel Guy

NTLF

2008-07-22T18:18:00.002-05:00

http://www.theskepticsguide.org/logicalfallacies.asp

The Dark Knight

2008-07-20T09:55:00.003-05:00

I didn't want to see this movie. I don't like any Batman movies I've seen, I don't like superhero movies in general, and I don't like Christian Bale. But I was drawn into the theater with promises of Claim Jumper afterward. So here's my take on the movie.

Heath Ledger: Awesome
Aaron Eckhart: Fucking awesome (altough his two-face, while anatomically correct, would be unable to pronounce any words correctly)
Christian Bale: WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, watching him act is just sad. He isn't too bad as Bruce Wayne. Sort of like Keaunu Reeves, you'll let his clueless stare and monotone voice slide once or twice. But when he puts on the bat suit and uses his deep "scary" voice, you can't help but laugh through the whole movie. You, Christian Bale, are an embarrassment to the already embarrassing superhero genre.

Hyperbaric Medicine

2008-07-19T10:52:00.002-05:00

That's Right, A Purple Poncho

2008-07-16T14:25:00.002-05:00

Purple Poncho

Warning: Science Content

2008-07-15T16:54:00.002-05:00

http://www.quackcast.com/spodcasts/page6.html

Fuck the FCC

2008-07-13T14:06:00.002-05:00

Nice Guys Finish Last

2008-07-12T00:16:00.002-05:00

Tough Day

2008-07-10T16:24:00.002-05:00

Fucking Quacks

2008-07-09T19:01:00.002-05:00

The Price of a Christian Nation

2008-07-08T20:00:00.002-05:00

Well, at least we're beating Turkey.

Seriously though, when did we fall so far behind the rest of the world in science?

Quirkology

2008-07-07T19:17:00.002-05:00

Richard Dawkins

2008-07-06T12:06:00.002-05:00

Something Smells of BS...

2008-07-04T16:55:00.002-05:00

http://milwaukeeheartscan.com/

Stroke Patients (Not That Kind of Stroke...)

2008-07-02T21:52:00.006-05:00

Sharon has a couple friends over, so I'm not doing a video post today. I had orientation to the Psych/Neuro rotation the past two days, so I thought I'd update with the details for my rotation. I do two weeks of Neurology followed by four weeks of Psychiatry, with exams and OSCEs to follow. For Neurology, I was placed in the Neurovascular Team at Froedtert. Basically, that means two weeks of strokes and TIAs. We pre-round on all our patients at 7 am, meaning I'm assigned to either a new patient who was received overnight or an old patient who spent the night. I check their progress and lab results, then present the case to my attending at 9 am. Then as a team (attending, residents, and med students) we rotate through all the patients and determine diagnoses and/or plans. That should last until lunch. After lunch, if I don't have lectures, I follow the residents on consults and stroke cases who present to the ER. On days I don't have call, I leave at 5 pm. On days I do have call, I stay doing consults, etc. until midnight. I have weekends off (I do have one Saturday on call) and I get the 4th of July off, which is nice. This is a pretty standard rotation, basically what I can expect from all my rotations this year (with the exceptions of surgery and OB/GYN, where I do overnight call), so it's a good place to start.

Me Fail English? That's Unpossible!

2008-06-30T11:14:00.002-05:00

Occam's Razor

2008-06-29T20:22:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting at the desk randomly searching through old xkcd comics while Sharon is in the kitchen cooking. She comes into the room and says the following two sentences: "Can you hand me a post-it note or a small piece of paper? I need to make sweet and sour sauce." For the life of me, I cannot make a correlation between those two sentences. I guess I'll never understand cooking.

Acupuncture? I Hardly Know Her!

2008-06-29T12:53:00.002-05:00

Sew Age Medicine

2008-06-27T12:33:00.002-05:00

Wow, that coin I'm playing with is really annoying, huh?

Oh, Sharon...

2008-06-26T23:14:00.003-05:00

Right after the camera cut off, she did run in and hit me with a magazine. She told me to tell you.

Two Posts in an Hour? What Gives?

2008-06-26T19:31:00.005-05:00

It's been pointed out that I say at the beginning I want to hear what people think, but at the end I ask people not to comment. I want to hear what you think, but I don't want the comments posted on here because I want people to think about this for themselves without the comments influencing them. That's why I didn't comment myself. I hope that makes sense, because that second sentence is five lines long (and a grammatical nightmare).

Something About This Seems Wrong

2008-06-26T18:52:00.002-05:00

rEVOLution (I think I've used this title before)

2008-06-24T22:15:00.003-05:00

Ben's Post (Untitled)

Shit Piss Fuck Cunt Cocksucker Motherfucker Tits

2008-06-23T09:52:00.002-05:00

http://smokefreemovies.ucsf.edu/index.html

Another Comic

2008-06-22T21:22:00.004-05:00

Here's the return of My Life, In Comic Strip Form.

Stupid Cat

(Un)Intelligent Design

2008-06-20T10:54:00.004-05:00

I did a good job using my hands to explain the schematics of the human eye, huh? For a better explanation of the route of the recurrent laryngeal nerve and its evolution from fish gills, check out the second link, about halfway through.

The Rockefeller University- A Symposium on Evolution

On Friendship

2008-06-19T11:41:00.002-05:00

Poe's Law

2008-06-18T12:49:00.004-05:00

Item #1
Item #2
Item #3

The Illusion of Control

2008-06-17T12:51:00.003-05:00

I know, I overuse the word "hippie." Sue me. (Put down your bong first)

The Perfect Resolution of Nerd and Drunk

2008-06-16T17:59:00.002-05:00

Love and Marriage

2008-06-16T11:49:00.002-05:00

Step 1 Boards Had Sex With Me (Figuratively Speaking)

2008-06-15T14:41:00.004-05:00

My Day Off

2008-06-13T10:31:00.003-05:00

Pharyngula- I'm Voting Republican

After recording the video, I read more of the comments on Pharyngula. #116 makes a good comment that's worth pointing out:

"The left of center is stuck with the anti-GMO, anti-irradiated food mentality (and related biotech-phobic baggage) for the foreseeable future just like the right is stuck with Christian fundamentalists."

Perfectly valid analogy.

You Don't Mess With The Sharon

2008-06-12T09:28:00.003-05:00

I'm going to get yelled at again tonight, aren't I?

EDIT: Once again, a great picture. Next time, I'll make sure to sneeze.

Moral Oral

2008-06-11T09:31:00.002-05:00

Link to Travis's Post

The Nicest Thing I've Ever Said About a Socialist

2008-06-10T10:06:00.002-05:00

Link to Obama Video

Video to a Christian Nation

2008-06-09T09:40:00.003-05:00

Really, John McCain? Really?

Let's Give It A Shot

2008-06-07T22:27:00.003-05:00

EDIT: It sure chose a good screenshot of me to use as the preview. I swear, I'm not drunk...

Videoness

2008-06-06T21:44:00.005-05:00

I haven't been updating very regularly, but for good reasons. One because I'm studying for boards, and two because we moved into a new apartment. I will continue to study, but here's a short video I made touring our new apartment (apparently we have a video camera).

Guys, I'm Super Serial...

2008-06-04T23:00:00.004-05:00

The Skeptic's Guide this week had a segment on "What are you least skeptical about?" I haven't gotten through the whole thing yet (I listen to it while I jog), but I thought I'd chime in with what I'm least skeptical about.

I diverge from the "scientific consensus" on a few issues. I maintain my skepticism regarding the obesity epidemic. I don't think weight gain is as simple as "calories in, calories out," and I subscribe to the "fat but healthy" mindset. But that's mostly because I have fat friends, and I support their right to be fat. That's not what I'm least skeptical about. I don't think I've opened this can of worms on my blog before, but I'll go ahead and say it. I am skeptical about the human contributions to global warming.

I will grant you that global temperatures are rising. I'll go the extra mile and say there is *some* human contribution. But I disagree very much with Chicken Little (that's you, Al Gore). If there is human contribution (there's that if), it will not destroy the planet by 2025 like Chicken Little wants you to believe. We shouldn't revert back to living in caves just because Chicken Little says so. I do support alternative fuel technologies, mostly because decreasing our dependence on oil will help get us out of global politics. And in man's history, technology has always fixed it's own problems. It's just a matter of time.

So why am I least skeptical about this? Because the science as of right now is inconclusive. There are several things which must be proven for Chicken Little to be right. First, that temperatures are rising. Second, that it is man's fault. Third, that it is changing at a rate that would be detrimental to the planet. Fourth, that it can be reversed. Fifth, that it's not too late. One (maybe two) of these have been proven. I can see the other ones being true, but the science doesn't support that conclusion yet. The science will come in time. There isn't a ten-year ticking time bomb that can't wait until the science is there. Cutting back in 2008 versus 2010 will not impact the age of the Earth, but will impact the economy if we cut back too hastily.

John Oliver Strikes Again

2008-06-01T11:35:00.004-05:00

If you haven't already checked it out, you should download the weekly podcast by John Oliver (of The Daily Show fame) and Andy Zaltzman (of "I know John Oliver" fame). It's called The Bugle, and makes fun of current events in both Britain and America. There was a good quote in the last episode (I don't remember which of them said it), regarding religious protests of government approval of stem cell research:

"They're saying the government is trying to be God, which I guess means it's 2000 years out of date and 10% of the population doesn't believe in it anymore."

I'm in that 10%!

The Mighty Titans

2008-05-27T13:21:00.003-05:00

As some of you know, I'm a big Titans fan. I have no real reason to cheer for them, I've never lived in Tennessee. I liked them when they were the Oilers and the league underdogs, so I just stuck with them (who else am I going to cheer for? The Chargers?). I was reading an article about Vince Young, the Titan's quarterback, where he talked about how he almost quit the NFL after his first year. He had a lot of off-field problems, but, as he says,

"I really thought long and hard about it. There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn't fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things. . . My teammates helped lift me out of it. I prayed really hard. And I began to focus on God's calling for me. Play football. Be a role model."

I guess now would be the wrong time to link to these photos. Hey, he's my role model. He can handle his Jack.

rEVOLution

2008-05-25T16:32:00.005-05:00

I happened to catch the Libertarian Party Convention on CSPAN today. The candidate I was pulling for, Dr. Mary Ruwart, finished second behind former Congressman Bob Barr. Of the possible candidates, I liked Barr the least. He's a fairly recent ex-Republican who voted for the Patriot Act and also voted to uphold the ban on gay marriage, though he says he has switched his position on both issues. Dr. Ruwart is a scientist who worked as a pharmaceutical researcher for almost twenty years, and has a fairly strong stance against the war on drugs. She has been in the party longer, but hasn't held a major office like former Congressman Barr. He kind of strikes me as a douchebag (or at best, a politician), but at least I agree with him in some aspects. He's better than McCain or Obama, and Clinton was never an option to begin with.

Some highlights from the convention include Penn Jillette receiving three votes in the first round and Steven Colbert receiving votes into the second round. I also liked when the Utah delegate introduced his state as "the place where separation of church and state is three city blocks." But I have to say my favorite part was seeing delegates form Arizona wearing Guy Fawkes masks. Awesome.

There, I Fixed It

2008-05-24T11:34:00.002-05:00

I couldn't post a Weezer music video without posting a metal video.

Order has been restored to the universe. Bonus points if you can name the band/song without cheating.

Even If They Did Rip It Off South Park...

2008-05-24T11:23:00.003-05:00

Weezer sucks. Or I should say, their music sucks. The band went up a couple notches with their new music video. I still reccommend muting it...

Don't Forget Your Grain of Salt

2008-05-24T10:20:00.003-05:00

A link from Pharyngula. PZ Meyers organizes a lot of poll crashing (scroll through his blog, you'll see a lot of them). This one is a site dedicated to the question "Do you believe in God?" Honestly, I don't see the point in crashing the poll. Polls by nature are fallible. Half of polls are biased in the wording of the question (i.e. "Do you believe God plays an active role in our lives?"). Every poll I've seen shows the U.S. as around 10% atheist, but this website shows it as 52%, largely thanks to PZ's cult-like following, I'm sure. I could care less if it says that 0.001% of the country is atheist. Anyone who gets their beliefs from a poll isn't smart enough to vote anyways. By the way, Canada is listed as 67% atheist. Now, I'm no fan of Canada (or Socialism in general), but high five, eh?

This Is What Hanging Around With Dead People Does To You

2008-05-23T11:21:00.004-05:00

I called the Medical Examiner this morning (see previous posts) to see if I could shadow him on an autopsy. He said there were no good cases today, but that Tuesday would be better (after Memorial Day weekend). I talked to him for awhile about studying for boards, and he offered up this gem: "Studying for boards is like being raped. You can fight all you want, but it's going to happen, so you might as well sit back and try to enjoy it." I laughed, and that makes me a bad person.

We're Number 2! We're Number 2!

2008-05-23T10:11:00.004-05:00

You've probably seen polls showing atheists as the "most despised group" in America. They usually ask questions like "Would you allow your daughter to marry a ____?" or "Would you vote for an otherwise qualified presidential candidate if he were a ____?" Most polls show atheist below 50%, behind African-Americans, Catholics, Jews, and even homosexuals. But a new poll specific to religion seems to show that atheists are no longer the most hated people in America. Any guesses who is?

::Sigh::

2008-05-22T20:15:00.003-05:00

I got my Pharmacology final back today. Let's just say this sound was playing in my head.

You Want More? I've Got 'Em

2008-05-22T08:58:00.004-05:00

Indiana Jones hits wide-release today, so I thought it would be appropriate to post about it. Here's a list of reasons I will NOT see this movie.

1. George Lucas

Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Mist) wrote a screenplay for the movie two years ago. Steven Spielberg loved the script, but George Lucas didn't. What does George Lucas know about scripts? Hey, remember that George Lucas script that everyone loved? Oh, right, that was thirty years ago. Well, he had a good run.

2. I liked the originals

I made the mistake of having The Matrix and Pirates of the Caribbean ruined for me, I'm not going to do the same with Indiana Jones.

3. Harrison Ford

This reason deserves it's own subcategory...

(a) He hasn't made a movie in two years, and hasn't made a good movie in fifteen years. Everyone talks about him like he's FSM's gift to acting. He's only ever been nominated for one Oscar. One. Over twenty years ago. Pass.

(b) He refuses to make movies unless he's the star. Think about it. When was the last time he was in a supporting role? Direct quote: "I'm like a fireman. When I go out on a call, I want to put out a big fire, I don't want to put out a fire in a dumpster." Yes, allow me to crap on the faces of all the lesser-known actors out there. Douchebag.

(c) Politics. Now I know what you're thinking. He's perfectly qualified to talk about politics. I mean, he did go to college for two years before dropping out (apparently the course load at Ripon College was too rigorous for him). Forget the people who study politics for a living. They're not as qualified to talk about the Iraq War as this douchebag. I'm sure I object to the war just as much as he does. I just don't pretend to be an expert on it. If you've got an opinion on something, just get a blog like everyone else.

(d) Seriously, fuck this guy.

4. There are no new ideas in Hollywood

This movie is 100% about making profit. How do I know? They're already planning a sequel! Yeah, I'm sure they put effort into the storyline (see 1. above). All they're doing now is taking things that were popular twenty years ago and redoing them. Transformers, Batman, the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Forget it. If Indiana Jones had a storyline that needed a sequel, it would have come out twenty years ago.

5. The title

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? WTF?

EDIT: After I posted this, I saw this post on Pharyngula. Once again, P.Z. Meyers and I are in agreement (except for the fact that he wasted his $9).

Wait, Sex Doesn't Start With...Ohhh...

2008-05-21T09:39:00.003-05:00

One of the books I'm studying with, First Aid for Boards, has a bunch of mnemonics for things we need to know. I'm studying neuroanatomy today, and I came across this entry:

"The limbic system can be remembered as the 5 F's: Feeding, Fighting, Feeling, Fleeing, and sex."

How many twelve-year-olds do they think are studying for the Boards? Anyone who understands the fifth F probably wouldn't be offended by actually seeing the word. To quote Yahtzee, "It's okay, you can swear [. . .], your mum probably isn't going to read it. I know because she's too busy being fucked by me."

Myself Included

2008-05-20T09:31:00.003-05:00

I thought this was pretty funny...

Here is proof that 1% of the population is composed of smart asses.

My Life, In Comic Strip Form III

2008-05-19T22:55:00.003-05:00

This is why I haven't been updating that much...

The Sad Truth